According to a recent scientific paper, farm-raised kids are less prone to suffer from asthma, which is why I’m glad we ultimately chose to raise our children cage-free.

Sure, it would’ve been easier and cheaper to just pack them into a crate, feed them through a tube and wash them with a hose, but that makes it harder to play trains. And I like playing trains.

The M. Night Shyamalan-esque twist in the study is what’s keeping these country kids from getting asthma (and other things) may be good bacteria found on the farm. I’ve heard before about good bacteria, even good parasites, but I’m not sure I’d want my kids using the 5-second rule if they drop their Double Stuff Oreo anywhere on a farm. I mean once my cookie touches sheep poo, I kind of consider it a loss.

Still, at our place up north, there are cattle ranchers who live close enough that on a quiet night we can hear them moo… the cows, not the ranchers. Plus, we have a gopher tearing up our backyard. That sort-of counts as farm life, right? I mean I wouldn’t eat an Oreo if it touched gopher poo either.

I started this blog after the boys were sleeping pretty solidly through the night. I did this for two reasons. First, twin newborns keep you much too busy to do anything but triage baby care. Second, if I had blogged back then, the entries would’ve read like this:

…I can hear the air… HAHAHAHAHA Wait, ojfpnq[clsp3wp,d .lllulk I don’t sleep enough to dream, so my dreams are coming to kill me… TWO LANE BLACKTOP IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER! nkck[c[][q]q]]]aaw4444ewdkmswl spdqjd…

That means, however, any expectant fathers reading this might think childrearing isn’t all that tough. “Fie!” I say. And I’ll go ahead and add, “Phooey!” It’s a challenge. A challenge like no other you have faced. Ever. Yes, it’s all worth it, but you’ll have moments where you don’t feel that way. And by “moments,” I mean “most of the first 3-6 months.”

So, in the interest of helping those expectant dads sitting with stomachs clenched at the tipping point of the last drop on the Log Flume ride that is new fatherhood, here is the first in a semi-regular feature called Shit They Don’t Tell You About Fatherhood. First Installment: “Change No Diaper Before Its Time.”

As a new dad, you may find a few things at which you completely excel. For me, it was diaper changing. I was so good at it, I could have a wet diaper off and a clean one on before the baby knew what was happening. Of course, that’s not really a big deal because for the first three months, the baby won’t know what’s happening pretty much all the time. They just wear a constant look of “What the fuck?” Still, with my wife having to get up every two hours during the night to feed the tykes, I felt changing diapers was my charge. I was eager to help. I was mechanically efficient. And I was wrong.

If you smell poop, don’t feel you need to rush over and change the kid right away. Certainly, don’t let him stew in a bag of crap all day, but give him time or you will experience what I dubbed “The Poo Fountain.”

A baby’s poop is pretty fluid. If you take off the child’s diaper before he’s really done, a stream of poo will literally shoot out of him. It’s like one of those internet videos that turns your stomach, but from which you can’t look away. The first time it happened, I felt like someone just raped my eyeholes.

If you smell poop, hear the baby poop or see your baby’s Poop Face, check him. Take your time. When you get him on the table, don’t rush. He may be saving some up for a display to rival the Belaggio water show. Give him a chance to get it all out. You’ll be happy you did.