My repeated attempts to get off caffeine fail not because I am weak, but because my boys are Gitmo-ing me with sleep deprivation again. Okay, I guess it’s not all their fault. They’re both sleeping through the night pretty regularly, but Boone has a habit of moaning in his sleep. You’ll discover when you become a parent your hearing suddenly reaches a level only describable as superhuman. I’m telling you, you will hear them blink from across the house.

This happens because, when they’re not in sight, you need to hear if they start choking or slide the lamp off the end table or pull the pin on your fragmentation grenade. From the next room, you’ll be able to tell if your baby is about to roll the red or blue Tonka truck into the dog’s face. (Hint: The blue truck has more bass.) It really is freaky. Even freakier, this superhuman hearing only applies to things your baby does, which explains why the word most often said between my wife and me is still “What?”

So, when Boone starts moaning at 4 am, even though he’s in a room down the hall, I’m up. And sometimes he doesn’t stop moaning until he wakes up at 7 am. Mind you, he wakes up full rested. Oh, and don’t worry about Wyatt. I could juggle him with a couple of STIHL MS 171 chainsaws and he wouldn’t wake up. Believe me. I’ve done it.