More US women having twins; rate at 1 in 30 babies
- More U.S. women are having twins these days. The reason? Older moms and fertility treatments. One in every 30 babies born in the U.S. is a twin — an astounding increase over the last three decades, according to a government report issued Wednesday.
(Photo by Alyssa Fortin)
I recently said whenever I see a couple close to our age with twins, I assume they’re the result of fertility treatments. I added that assumption probably makes me an asshole. Maybe I’m not such an asshole after all… Well, not for that reason anyway.
Do people ask you about fertility a lot because you have twins? I've heard that from other parents of multiples and am definitely guilty of thinking it about my own acquaintances.
Asked by Anonymous
I know it’s not right, but just experiencing what we experienced, whenever I see a set of fraternal twins and the parents are close to our age, I assume they’re the result of fertility treatments.
Just one of the many ways in which I’m an asshole, I guess.
Okay, everyone, since I’ve received a trickle of interesting questions, I’m leaving anon on until tomorrow night. Ask away.
were your twins the result of fertility treatment, or just sheer luck?
Asked by Anonymous
Both.
I wrote about this once before and I don’t like revisiting the seven years of miscarriages and specialists, but I acknowledge that painful journey led us to Wyatt and Boone.
So, the fact that we have twins most certainly was the result of fertility treatments. The fact that they are Wyatt and Boone was our wonderful luck.
My husband is sort of freaking out about my infertility diagnosis and our upcoming IVF treatment. It's not the money or any relationship-related issues, thankfully.
The problem is the uncertainty of everything. Between his job (military) and the clinic being two hours away in San Diego and the logistics of IVF-- he just can't seem to wrap his brain around it.
All of this has caused him to be a little depressed. Is this normal? Did you go through something similar? How did you cope with everything infertility related?
Wow, that's a lot to ask. Thanks in advance!
Asked by adiaryofadivorcee
Yes, it is normal. And yes, I was depressed while we struggled with infertility.
It’s hard to explain why it causes depression in men (especially since the process affects women so much more), but when we were deep in it, we actually joined a kind-of workgroup for couples facing fertility issues. There, I witnessed something that might shed some light on it.
In the group, we learned how to deal with stress and practiced meditation. For one of the classes, the women went into one room and the guys went to another. The goal was to let people share things they might not express around the opposite sex.
I expected some cinematic emotional male weeping, but what happened instead was all the guys complained about their doctors or the meds they needed to buy or offered their own theories on the problem. If fertility issues were cars, these guys walked around kicking the tires. In that moment, I felt a little bad for them.
They were problem-solving. Or trying to. The wrinkle is fertility problems are so medically complex and contain so many different variables, even if you have a medical degree you might have trouble figuring it out.
Two things helped us get through it:
- We looked at it like a foe we had to battle together. We each had our strengths. My wife was great with scheduling, keeping track of meds. I was great with logistics (what meds to pack, which needed to be iced) and distraction (movies, dinner, barbecue, whatever). If my wife needed help, I jumped in even if I didn’t want to do it, because she was my teammate. Us against the world.
- My wife and I made sure to let each other know that no matter what happened, worst case scenario, we each were still with the love of our lives. We talked a lot, made sure we didn’t hold anything back — not in a cruel way, but that time was not the time to keep any feelings or fears secret. Communication kept us each informed, aware and well-armed for the battle we faced.
Your husband’s depression is normal, but that doesn’t mean you two shouldn’t talk. Remember, you’re both in it together. Look for ways he can help and feel an active part in the process. It might help if he feels he’s contributing more than fluids.
I hope this helps. Stay strong.
Aspect Studios just uploaded a bunch of behind-the-scenes images for More Than Stars (aka the movie I wrote) to its Facebook page. Go check ‘em out, if you like.
I’m reblogging this from my personal Tumblr because, if you remember, this film features a story line based on our struggle with infertility, which I’ve written about here before… so it’s related… sort of. This shot has nothing to do with that story line, however. It just looks cool.
Brain Vs Heart: Infertility
Okay, folks. You know I don’t reblog a lot. So, if I do it’s serious. Okay, a Muppet Venn diagram is not serious, but you know what I mean. My post today was written with the fertility treatment experience well behind us. Read this post by kaeporagaebora for a brutally honest account of what it’s like to deal with it as it happens. Everything she writes is exactly how it feels. She’s dead on.
I have to say this. My chest just feels so tight. I need to get this out.
I don’t like to talk about my infertility. Sometimes my anger and bitterness leaks out in pissy facebook statuses degrading single teenage moms or sometimes I’ll just bitch about it in general and delete the status/twitter…
A Fertile Topic
Okay, I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time, but I didn’t really know how. I recently realized, however, that a handful of readers might find this useful/encouraging/whatever. So, here goes…
Boone and Wyatt came into our lives because of fertility treatments. My wife and I used fertility treatments because we had trouble maintaining a pregnancy. And when I say trouble, I mean trouble — three specialists on two coasts over seven years, multiple failed attempts, five recorded miscarriages, plus at least two more that didn’t even make it to the stage where it could be considered a miscarriage. But believe me, they were miscarriages.
The extremely frustrating thing about it was nobody could tell us what was wrong. We baffled all the doctors to whom we were paying shitloads of money. I checked out okay, my wife checked out okay. We had no trouble getting pregnant, we had trouble staying pregnant.
Aside from essentially mourning a death or two each year, coping with infertility was — and is — a lonely, lonely place. Even if you’re fortunate enough to see the glimmers of humor in the terrible situation, you can’t share them with anybody because if they haven’t gone through it, they simply don’t understand the depth of the depression you have to fight out of every day and, if they have been through it, they don’t want to hear other people bitching about it, too. Sword, thou art double-edged.
In fact, if you have a friend or family member dealing with fertility issues, here’s a handy list of things you should never, ever say to them:
- “You guys just need to relax.”
- “You guys just need to go on a vacation.”
- “You guys just need to get drunk and fuck.”
- “My sister had trouble getting pregnant, now she has two beautiful kids.”
- “Have you thought about adopting?”
For the record, that last one shouldn’t be mentioned because adoption is not a solution to infertility. It is a solution to wanting to be a parent. While one does affect the other, they are not the same. Also for the record, my wife and I did look into adoption, but not as a replacement for a child we couldn’t have. All the other items in the above list shouldn’t be mentioned because they are non-medical solutions to a medical problem. You wouldn’t tell a person with cancer that they just need to go on vacation. Don’t be an idiot.
All that said, stress is certainly a factor. Stress affects the body and can make it hard to get or stay pregnant. Of course, if you have trouble getting or staying pregnant, that’s stressful. Hello again, sword.
I joke about it with my wife, but it does bother me a bit that neither one of us was even in the room when my guys were technically conceived. So, when I’m feeling frisky and people tell me God blessed me with two beautiful boys, I correct them by saying, “Well, God, our checkbook and Dr. Rosen blessed us with these boys.”
I know some of you readers are going through this now. I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. There are people all around you who deal with this in silence, just like you. It sucks, but you’ll be okay. Stay strong. Have hope.
