Me:
Okay, guys bedtime.

Wyatt:
I'm not tired.

Me:
You had a big day. Trust me. You're tired.

Boone:
Read us another book.

Me:
No, dude. We've already read "Good Night Moon" and "Dinosaur Roar." C'mon. Bedtime for Bonzo.

Boone:
My name's Boone, dude.

Me:
It's the title of an old movie. Forget it. Into the cribs with you.

Wyatt:
Wait. I have a poop.

Me:
You don't have a poop.

Wyatt:
You should check anyway.

Me:
This is a stalling tactic.

Boone:
But, if he does have a poop, he won't sleep.

Me:
I don't smell poop.

Wyatt:
It's a non-smelly one.

Me:
They're all smelly.

Boone:
Not all of them.

Me:
Yes, all of... Okay. This is just more stalling. Here you go. Into the cribs. Good night.

Wyatt:
NO!

Me:
Yes.

Boone:
Hey, dude.

Me:
What?

Boone:
I have a poop.

Me:
It's not going to work, buddy.

Boone:
Smell.

Me:
Fine, I'll give you a whiff, but... All right. You've got a poop. I'll change your diaper.

Wyatt:
While you're there, how about another book?

Boone:
Mama!

Wyatt:
Mama!

Me:
Guys, calm down. She's right here.

Boone:
MAMA! WAAAAA!

Wyatt:
WAAAAA! I NEED MAMA!

Me:
Fellas! She's holding you both. What's the problem?

Boone:
EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! I NEED MAMA!

Wyatt:
MAKE IT BETTER, MAMA!

Me:
Honey, maybe you better go in the other room for a bit.

Boone:
Wait. Where is she going? Hey, don't go!

Wyatt:
You drove her away!

Me:
Actually, you guys were doing that on your own.

Boone:
Great! She's gone now. WAY TO GO!

Wyatt:
NOOOOOO! MAMA!

Me:
I think you'll be fine. She'll be back in a bit.

Boone:
Who?

Me:
Mama.

Wyatt:
Yeah. It'll be good to see her when she gets back.

Boone:
Hey, Wyatt. Let's play with our toy piano.

Wyatt:
Oh, that sounds like fun.

Me:
What the hell?

Boone:
What?

Me:
You guys were freaking out like three seconds ago.

Wyatt:
Are you sure?

Me:
I'm pretty sure.

Boone:
I don't know, dude. Why would we be freaking out?

Me:
That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Boone:
I don't know what to tell you. I'm fine.

Wyatt:
Me, too. Ha! Boone, hit the piano like that again. That was funny.

Boone:
See, dude? Look how cute and normal we're being.

Me:
You were just... never mind. I'll tell your mom everything's cool.

Wyatt:
Of course it's cool, pop.

Boone:
Yeah.

Me:
Okay, guys. Here's mom.

Boone:
MAMA! MAKE IT BETTER!

Wyatt:
I NEED MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!

Boone:
Pick me up.

Me:
Not now, Boone. I'll pick you up later.

Boone:
Pick me up.

Me:
I'm tired. I'll pick you up later.

Boone:
Pick me up.

Wyatt:
For the love of God, man! Pick him up.

Me:
C'mon. I've been holding you for 10 minutes now.

Boone:
So?

Me:
You're getting big. You're heavy now.

Wyatt:
Dude, you're at least twice his size.

Me:
Trust me. You guys wear me out.

Boone:
Not my problem.

Me:
Just let me rest for a few minutes.

Boone:
Pick me up.

Me:
No.

Boone:
Pick me up! Pick me up! Pick me up! Pick me up!

Me:
Boone, chill out. I mean it.

Boone:
PICK! ME! UP!

Wyatt:
Here, I'll pick you up.

Boone:
No, wait—

Wyatt:
Hnnnngh...

Boone:
Let go. Whoa! OW!

Wyatt:
Dude, your elbow is on my neck. Get off me!

Boone:
I'm trying.

Me:
Well, you got picked up.

Boone:
Yeah. For, like, a second.

Me:
Not my problem.

Me:
Up. Pup. Pup is up.

Wyatt:
Let me down.

Me:
Wait, we're reading "Hop On Pop."

Boone:
Me, too. I want down.

Me:
But, guys. You asked me to read this.

Wyatt:
I'm going to dump out all the blocks.

Me:
Hold it, fellas. This is our bedtime routine. Story, then song, then bed. We've been doing it your whole life.

Boone:
It's not our fault you made our room so awesome.

Me:
It is an awesome room.

Wyatt:
Yeah, you got all these bins for our toys and colorful doo-dads.

Me:
Those are Legos.

Wyatt:
They're super-cool.

Boone:
Dude. If you didn't want us to play with this stuff all the time, why'd you move it in here?

Me:
We wanted our living room back, I guess.

Boone:
Well, you got it.

Wyatt:
And we got Lagurs.

Me:
Legos. We wanted you to know this is your area, your room.

Boone:
And we do.

Me:
But, we didn't expect it to disrupt the bedtime routine so much.

Wyatt:
I built a choo choo train.

Boone:
That looks like a stack of Legos.

Wyatt:
It's a train.

Boone:
Just sayin'.

Me:
Guys, c'mon. You're supposed to wind down, not up.

Boone:
Hey, I found the drum. Look, I'm John Bonham!

Me:
"Hop On Pop," guys?

Wyatt:
Not now, dude. I've got to run around the chair and scream at the top of my lungs.

Me:
Wyatt, this way.

Wyatt:
Okay.

Boone:
Where are we going?

Me:
To your room. It's bedtime.

Wyatt:
Whoops. U-turn.

Me:
Hey, come back.

Wyatt:
Catch me!

Boone:
Nice job, ace.

Me:
Where are you?

Wyatt:
I'm running around the kitchen table!

Boone:
You should've just picked him up.

Me:
It's not like bedtime is a surprise. It's happened every day of your life.

Wyatt:
I'm jumping on the couch now!

Boone:
Yeah, but now we're interacting with you, mom and the things around us like never before. Every day, we discover amazing new things.

Me:
Hmm. Sounds cool.

Boone:
It's a blast. Sometimes, it's hard to admit it has to stop.

Wyatt:
I'm chasing the dog!

Me:
Don't you find comfort in familiar routines like your nighttime bottle or a bedtime story?

Boone:
Yes, but that familiarity loses to things like—

Wyatt:
I'm climbing on the chair, Pop!

Boone:
Like climbing on the chair.

Me:
Ugh. I guess I have to go pick him up. He's going to freak out.

Boone:
Yeah. He's tired.

Me:
That could be resolved by going to bed.

Boone:
But, that's no fun.

Boone:
I'm going to climb on this step thing.

Me:
Hey, Boone. Don't do that.

Boone:
Why?

Me:
Because you'll fall.

Boone:
I'm fine, dude.

Me:
Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Wyatt:
Wait. You're not going to force him to get down?

Me:
Nope.

Wyatt:
So, he won't fall?

Me:
No, I'm pretty sure he's going to fall.

Boone:
I'm not going to fall, dude.

Me:
He's not in any real danger. He'll bump his butt, maybe have a little scare. But, sometimes you guys just need to learn these kinds of lessons on your own.

Wyatt:
Let me get this straight. You know he's going to fall—

Me:
I'm pretty sure.

Wyatt:
And you're just going to let it happen.

Boone:
Chill out, guys. I'm not going to fall.

Me:
Look, you both understand phrases now. I can say, "Please, bring me the yellow ball" or "Could you give this bottle to your brother" or "Don't poke the dog in the eye," and you guys comply. So if you don't do what I ask, I know it's by choice. You're asserting your independence, testing your boundaries.

Wyatt:
But, dude. He's going to fall.

Me:
He's not that far off the ground. I've told him not to do it and why. He's choosing to do it anyway. When he does fall—

Boone:
I'm not going to fall. Jeez.

Me:
He'll understand why I warned him and maybe he'll listen to me the next time.

Boone:
Hey, guys. Look how— WHOA! OW! I think I bruised my butt bone.

Wyatt:
I get it.

Me:
Good.

Wyatt:
I'm going to climb on this step thing.

Me:
No, Wyatt. That's not what I meant.

Wyatt:
I'll be fine, dude.

Boone:
"Craguh."

Me:
What?

Boone:
"Craguh."

Me:
I don't understand what you want.

Boone:
Dude, a cracker. I want another cracker.

Me:
Sorry. Jeez.

Wyatt:
It's not that hard to figure out. We're already eating crackers.

Me:
I know. I'm sorry.

Wyatt:
"Cracker."

Me:
That's good, Wyatt.

Wyatt:
Yeah, my diction is pretty good.

Me:
Say, "Cracker, please."

Wyatt:
"Cracker, peez."

Me:
Close enough. Here you go. Say, "Thank you."

Wyatt:
"Welcome."

Me:
No, say thank you, Wyatt.

Boone:
"Thahn goo, Wyatt."

Me:
No, not you.

Boone:
Dude! You're all 'I don't understand, speak, don't speak, you're doing it wrong.' Make up your mind.

Me:
You said it right, but I was talking to Wyatt. I want him to say thank you.

Wyatt:
"Welcome."

Me:
No, say thank you.

Wyatt:
"Welcome." Can I eat this cracker now?

Boone:
Bro, say thank...

Wyatt:
"Sank"

Boone:
Now, say you.

Wyatt:
"Coo."

Boone:
Good enough, old man?

Me:
Yeah. Thanks for the help.

Boone:
"You're welcome."