Wyatt:
"Poop."

Me:
You have to poop? Okay, let's sit on the potty. Here you go...

Wyatt:
Nope. Nothing. I'm outta here.

Me:
Wait. You just sat down.

Wyatt:
And I didn't poop, so I must not have to go after all.

Me:
Just wait a minute.

Wyatt:
A whole minute?

Boone:
Dude, he won't sit still for minute.

Me:
You need to be patient. Pooping takes some time.

Boone:
Yeah, bro. The old man takes like a half-hour to poop.

Wyatt:
Let me up.

Me:
Just wait.

Wyatt:
Dude!

Me:
Okay. Fine. Get up.

Wyatt:
You can't cage a wild horse, pal. I'm going to run around for a while. Wheeeeeee!

Boone:
He's got a point. Is there a mobile potty or something he could use?

Me:
I don't think so.

Boone:
Maybe you should just line all the walls with rows of potties.

Me:
I'm thinking of putting a tarp on the floor.

Wyatt:
"Poop."

Me:
You want to try the potty again?

Wyatt:
No, I mean I just pooped in the hallway.

Boone:
Yeah, that tarp sounds like the way to go.

Wyatt:
Hey, old man. I have to pee.

Me:
Okay, let's go to the potty... Hold on. You're wet.

Wyatt:
Yeah.

Me:
You're supposed to tell me before you pee.

Boone:
Well, that's splitting hairs.

Me:
No, it's not. It's the whole point. Pee-pee goes in the potty.

Wyatt:
Do I get to flush it? Flushing is fun.

Me:
There's nothing to flush. You didn't pee in the potty.

Boone:
Dude, flushing is the reward. How are we supposed to learn to do it if you don't offer us some kind of incentive?

Me:
You pee-pee in the potty, then you get to flush it. That's how it works.

Wyatt:
Seems pretty complicated.

Boone:
Yeah, dude. Next you'll be asking us to solve a calculus problem or something.

Me:
Guys, it's not that hard. When you have to pee, sit on the potty and pee.

Wyatt:
But poop goes anywhere?

Me:
No, poop goes in the potty, too.

Wyatt:
You're making this up.

Me:
I'm not. That's what you're supposed to do.

Boone:
So, from now on, both pee-pee and poop go in the potty.

Me:
Right.

Boone:
Got it. Wish I'd known that before I pooped on the floor.

Me:
Dude...

Boone:
Watch your step.

Wyatt:
Ooh, can I flush it?

Wyatt:
"Running."

Me:
What?

Wyatt:
"Up. Up. Running."

Me:
Not now, Wyatt. I'm tired.

Wyatt:
Come on. I'm using my words and being all cute.

Boone:
That's true. It was cute.

Me:
I don't understand what's so great about running around the house.

Boone:
Are you kidding?

Wyatt:
Yeah, dude. Have you tried it?

Me:
Yes, you make me do it all the time. We just run in circles. Hallway, dining room, living room, hallway, dining room, living room—

Boone:
I know. It's awesome.

Wyatt:
So totally awesome.

Me:
If it's so awesome, why don't you guys just run on your own?

Wyatt:
You have to chase us.

Me:
Boone can chase you.

Boone:
I don't want to chase him.

Wyatt:
And I don't want him to chase me.

Boone:
Yeah... Wait. Why not?

Me:
Guys, I've had a long day. I just want to sit.

Boone:
Look, old man. Playing with us helps us build a stronger relationship with you, encourages us to be active and even spurs our imagination, which helps develop other skills over time such as critical thinking and understanding abstract concepts.

Wyatt:
Besides, we're asking you to play with us, not get a colonoscopy. Who doesn't want to play?

Me:
...You guys are pretty rad.

Wyatt:
I know.

Me:
That's why I'm going to CHASE YOU!

Boone:
Yikes! Run, bro!

Wyatt:
AAAAAAH!

Me:
You want to read the Elmo book?

Wyatt:
Sure... Hey, where's Boone?

Me:
He's in the Naughty Spot.

Wyatt:
He's at a strip club?

Me:
No, the Naughty Spot. Like a time out.

Wyatt:
That's a terrible name. Can we just call it a time out?

Me:
Fine.

Wyatt:
Why is he in a time out?

Me:
Because he bit you. You don't remember? It just happened like ten seconds ago.

Wyatt:
I remember, but I'm over it.

Me:
Well, I'm not. He needs to sit there and think about what he did.

Wyatt:
You realize he's probably not thinking about what he did. He's probably just pissed off that he can't be out here reading the Elmo book with us.

Me:
It doesn't matter. He's experiencing the consequence of his actions.

Wyatt:
But, he's only learning that it's wrong, not why it's wrong.

Me:
That comes in time.

Wyatt:
How?

Me:
I don't know.

Wyatt:
Dude.

Me:
What? I'm not a behavioral psychologist. I just know he needs to be punished, so that's what's happening.

Wyatt:
You need to do more than just put him in another room. You have to explain to him why it's wrong. Most importantly, you need to tell him to apologize.

Me:
You guys think "apologize" is a type of vegetable.

Wyatt:
We'll learn that when we apologize, we make the other person feel better. That's what will help us understand why it's wrong and how to make the right decision in the future.

Me:
Wow. That sounds logical.

Wyatt:
What's not logical is why I've ripped the Elmo book to shreds while we've been talking.

Me:
Hey! I told you to stop doing that. You get a time out. Now!

Wyatt:
Okay. While I'm there, you try and work out how I'm supposed to apologize to a book.

Me:
Oh... uh... right...

Wyatt:
Have fun with that.

Me:
Hold on, guys. Let me put this pillow here.

Wyatt:
This couch cushion fort is awesome.

Me:
Wait. I'm not done.

Boone:
Look in here, bro. It's like a tunnel.

Wyatt:
Rad.

Me:
Guys, c'mon. Hey, that is not a load-bearing wall.

Wyatt:
Is this like a window?

Boone:
Maybe it's a door. Try to walk through it.

Wyatt:
Okay.

Me:
No, no. Fellas, look out. Great! You ruined it! I told you I wasn't finished. Next time just wait when I tell you to wait.

Boone:
Dude?

Me:
What?

Boone:
You're yelling at us over a couch fort.

Wyatt:
Yeah, dude. Seriously. You're not building bungalows in Haiti here.

Me:
Right. Sorry. I'm a little stressed out.

Boone:
What could you possibly be stressed about?

Me:
Really? Have you met you?

Boone:
Touché.

Me:
It's just... None of us have really gotten over the cold we had and our finances are stretched thin and the house is falling apart and Wyatt's throwing up all over the place—

Wyatt:
No, I'm... hrrrrughah...

Boone:
Oh, man. Are those kidney beans?

Me:
It just never stops. Sometimes, things get so overwhelming, it's like a crushing weight resting on—

Wyatt:
Blah, blah, blah. You sound like a Morrissey song.

Me:
This is punishment. I'm being punished for something. I know it.

Boone:
Your whining isn't going to get this couch fort built any faster.

Wyatt:
What is this?

Me:
What?

Wyatt:
This stuff coming out of my nose.

Me:
Oh, Jesus!

Wyatt:
You okay?

Me:
Oh, that's gross. Come here. Blow your nose.

Wyatt:
What is it?

Me:
Snot.

Boone:
Hey, I've got some, too.

Me:
Holy mother of God. Oh, that is so gross.

Wyatt:
Calm down. It's not that gross.

Me:
It's gross.

Boone:
You're not supposed to react that way. It could give us a complex about our bodily functions.

Wyatt:
And you're super supportive of our poops and those are way grosser.

Me:
I know. It's just ... hrrgh... Hold on... huumpgh...

Wyatt:
Dude.

Me:
Hold on... trying not to throw up...

Boone:
You want a hug?

Me:
No! Don't hug me. You've got snot all over your face.

Boone:
Dude, man up. It's just snod.

Me:
Snot.

Boone:
Whatever.

Wyatt:
Yeah, and judging from the amount coming out of my nose, you're going to be seeing a lot of it. Look, it's all sticky.

Me:
Hrrrgh!

Me:
Hey, guys. Are you okay?

Boone:
Yeah, dude. We're fine.

Me:
Are you sure? Do you need a hug?

Boone:
Nope.

Me:
Can I get you anything?

Wyatt:
Chill out, man. We're fine.

Boone:
What's up with you? You're being creepy.

Me:
I just felt like... y'know... now that you're in preschool, you might feel... I don't know... abandoned.

Wyatt:
Are you kidding? Preschool is awesome.

Boone:
We get to climb on stuff and play instruments and read books and paint.

Wyatt:
You never let us paint.

Me:
That's because the last time we gave you paint, you guys colored your tongues blue.

Boone:
You didn't show us how it worked.

Me:
I didn't have time. I gave you the brushes and you immediately got paint on everything but the paper.

Wyatt:
They showed us at school. Now, I paint all the time. I'm like that Van Gogh dude with the headband.

Me:
That was a bandage. His ear was cut off.

Wyatt:
Then, I'm better because I have two ears. Man, I can't wait to go back.

Me:
You mean you don't miss me when you're at school?

Boone:
We'd like to have you there, but I think there's a waiting list for new enrollments.

Wyatt:
It's kind-of exclusive.

Me:
Well, do you want to paint now?

Boone:
Not now, old-timer. I'm pretty wiped out from all the fun stuff we did at school today.

Wyatt:
Me, too. It was full of awesomeness.

Me:
Okay. I guess I'll go pack your lunches for tomorrow.

Boone:
Cool. And don't skimp on the grapes this time.

Wyatt:
Yeah. I'm using them to blend my own paints for my masterpiece.