Me:
C'mon, guys. Let's go.

Boone:
Hey. What is that?

Me:
That is our new minivan.

Wyatt:
That is far from mini. It's like a... maxivan.

Me:
Climb in.

Boone:
Bro, check out all this room.

Wyatt:
Man, you could totally build a fort back here.

Boone:
Oooh, can we?

Me:
As long as we're not driving.

Wyatt:
Aw, man. That's no fun. I want a mobile fort.

Me:
Climb on up into your seats, fellas.

Boone:
Jeez, this is high. I feel like I need a sherpa.

Me:
Careful now.

Wyatt:
I'm cool. I'm a great climber. I've got WHOA! OW!

Boone:
Nice going, ace.

Me:
Are you okay?

Wyatt:
NO!

Boone:
At least his head broke his fall.

Me:
C'mon. I'll put you in your seat.

Wyatt:
No. I hate this minivan now.

Me:
Oh, yeah. Did I mention it has a DVD player.

Boone:
It does? Bro, we can watch "Thomas."

Wyatt:
We can? Strap me in!

Me:
God, you guys are like junkies.

Wyatt:
Hey, since we're in the van, can we go by the toy store and get some more Thomas trains?

Me:
We don't need any more trains. You've got plenty. You've got to learn to make do with what you have.

Boone:
Says the guy with the new minivan. What exactly was wrong with the old car?

Me:
It, uh... Let's go get new trains!

Wyatt:
Yay!

Boone:
Pick me up.

Wyatt:
Yeah. Me, too.

Me:
Not right now, guys. I did something to my back.

Boone:
What, like, you hurt it? How?

Me:
Remember last night when I came home from work? I knelt down to give you both a hug.

Wyatt:
Yeah?

Me:
It happened then.

Boone:
You screwed up your back just kneeling down? That is criminally lame.

Me:
I know.

Wyatt:
I'm so ashamed. Other dads hurt their back lifting cars off pregnant nuns.

Me:
Hold on now. First off, nuns, by definition, shouldn't be pregnant. Second, name one dad who lifted a car.

Wyatt:
The Hulk.

Me:
The Hulk is not a... I can't believe I'm having this debate.

Boone:
Come on, old man. Shake it off. That's what you always tell us.

Me:
But, it feels like a knife in my shoulder blade.

Wyatt:
I see that you're talking, but all I'm hearing is "Waaa, waaa, waaa!"

Boone:
The other day, Wyatt tackled me on the driveway. I fell and skinned my face. My face! And you know what I did?

Me:
You punched him in the temple.

Boone:
Okay. But, after that I got right back up and kept playing.

Wyatt:
It's true. C'mon, Pop. Practice what you preach.

Me:
All right, all right. I'll pick you up.... Here we go...

Boone:
Yay!

Wyatt:
Why are you making that face?

Me:
...my back...

Wyatt:
Craaaaacker!

Me:
Dude, stop whining.

Wyatt:
CRAAAACKER!

Me:
There's no reason to whine. You can just ask.

Boone:
Don't forget to say please.

Me:
Right.

Wyatt:
Fine. "Crackugh, peeze."

Me:
Thank you, Wyatt. I'll get you a cracker.

Wyatt:
CRAAAAACKER!

Me:
Dude! I'm getting your cracker.

Wyatt:
But, I want it now.

Me:
It only takes me, like, ten seconds to go to the kitchen and get it.

Boone:
In his defense, ten seconds from now is not now.

Wyatt:
Yeah, it's eons! EONS!

Me:
Okay. Slight exaggeration. And Boone, you're not helping.

Wyatt:
I'm wasting away!

Me:
You need to learn patience, Wyatt. If I say you'll get something, you'll get it. When have I ever not delivered on a promise?

Wyatt:
Last week, when you said we'd go for a walk in the morning. We never went.

Me:
Well—

Boone:
Two days ago, you said we would finish watching "Thomas & Friends" after our bath, but you put us to bed instead.

Me:
It was getting late and—

Wyatt:
Last night, you said we could play trains after our nap, but we never did.

Me:
Did I say that? I guess—

Boone:
The truth is, old man, you don't deliver on every single promise, so we don't know whether or not you'll actually do what you say you'll do. You have to prove to us that you mean what you say. Otherwise, we'll never learn patience, but more importantly, we'll never learn the value of a person's word.

Me:
I... I never looked at it that way... Sorry if I've been letting you guys down.

Wyatt:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. While you're feeling apologetic, how about that cracker?

Wyatt:
Hey, dude. You got a sec?

Me:
Sure.

Wyatt:
I just wanted to let you know I'm going to throw a fit in a few minutes.

Me:
What?

Wyatt:
Yeah. And it's going to be a doozy. Shrieking, crying, hitting, flailing. It'll be like a greatest hits of my best tantrums.

Me:
No. Please.

Boone:
What's going on?

Me:
Your brother... Get your finger out of your nose. Your brother says he's going to throw a massive fit.

Boone:
Cool. Wait. Let me get my crackers.

Me:
Why? I mean if you know it's coming, maybe we can avoid it.

Wyatt:
You can't avoid the inevitable, old man. I've got to go pee. You're going to ask me to go on the potty. That's how it will start.

Me:
Well, you have to learn to use the potty.

Wyatt:
See? Inevitable. Once I get going, I'll ramp up quickly to nuclear holocaust level.

Boone:
I'm back. What did I miss?

Me:
He says he's going to throw a fit because I'm going to tell him to use the potty.

Boone:
Oh, good, a classic.

Wyatt:
I'm telling you, this will be like the Armageddon of meltdowns.

Boone:
I love this story.

Me:
What if I don't ask you to use the potty?

Wyatt:
What?

Boone:
A twist! Awesome.

Me:
Experts say if a child reacts badly to potty training to put them back in diapers and sort of hit the reset button.

Boone:
Wow! I did not see that coming.

Wyatt:
I guess that would be okay.

Me:
Okay. Let's get you in a diaper and we'll try the potty training again in a week or two.

Boone:
Hold on. That's it? That's no way to end this story. Where's the action, the drama, the pathos?

Me:
It's best for Wyatt.

Boone:
Fine. While you're in problem-solving mode, I just wet my pants.

Me:
C'mon, Wyatt. Eat some chicken.

Wyatt:
"No!"

Me:
I appreciate that you're using your words, but you have to eat something.

Boone:
Yeah, bro. This chicken is good.

Wyatt:
"NO! NO! NO!"

Me:
Okay, okay. Don't freak out. What do you want?

Wyatt:
"Yogurt."

Me:
Okay. I'll get you some yogurt.

Wyatt:
"Orange."

Me:
Wait. You want an orange?

Wyatt:
"Pancake."

Me:
You're just rattling off words.

Boone:
You think?

Wyatt:
"Cracker."

Boone:
Just jump in, dude. He's not going to stop.

Me:
Try the chicken and I'll get you a cracker.

Wyatt:
"Chips."

Me:
Chips?

Boone:
He's moving too fast. You've got to be more assertive.

Wyatt:
"Hummus."

Me:
I know. I'm trying.

Wyatt:
"Muffin."

Me:
Hold it! Muffin! I'll get you a muffin. You want a muffin?

Wyatt:
"Muffin."

Me:
Okay. Take a bite of chicken and I'll get you a muffin.

Wyatt:
"Chicken."

Boone:
Nice work, old man. You derailed him before he got to the inedible stuff. That would've made dinner impossible.

Me:
Yeah, jeez. I feel like I stopped a runaway school bus.

Wyatt:
"School bus."

Boone:
Uh-oh.

Me:
Dude.

Boone:
What?

Me:
That's gross.

Wyatt:
You're not supposed to say that to him while he's on the potty.

Boone:
Yeah. You could give me a complex.

Me:
You're eating yogurt while taking a monster dump.

Boone:
And?

Wyatt:
He's multi-tasking.

Me:
Couldn't you have chosen something less... viscous? Like a muffin?

Boone:
I've got my muffin right here.

Me:
Dude! Was that on the floor?

Boone:
Yeah, right here next to the potty.

Me:
Give it to me.

Boone:
But—

Me:
Give it.

Boone:
Fine. Jeez.

Wyatt:
What's the big deal?

Me:
This whole potty training thing is just a little unsanitary. There might be some unsavory elements on the floor around those potties.

Wyatt:
Unsavory elements. What, like a crack dealer?

Me:
Germs.

Boone:
Hey, old man. That's racist.

Me:
Not Germans. Germs, like bacteria and viruses and stuff.

Wyatt:
We should stay away from all that?

Me:
Well, some bacteria are good.

Wyatt:
Oh, man. Here we go again.

Boone:
C'mon, pal. Pick a side. Give us a straight answer.

Me:
I'm sorry, fellas. There are no simple answers in life. The world isn't black-and-white.

Boone:
So, eating yogurt on the potty might not be gross.

Me:
No, that's totally gross.

Me:
That's great Wyatt. You want to try another color?

Wyatt:
Sure.

Boone:
What are you two doing?

Wyatt:
I'm drawing.

Me:
He's doing great. Check it out.

Boone:
It looks like it was drawn by a drunk epileptic.

Me:
I think he's doing great.

Wyatt:
Yeah, dude. It's fun. You should try it.

Boone:
I have. I added my picture to the wall in the living room.

Me:
That's great, buddy... Wait. What?

Boone:
I did a rendering of the mighty Earl of Pembroke sailing the high seas.

Wyatt:
Hey, old man. Where are you going?

Boone:
He's probably checking out my work.

Me:
Dude! You drew on the wall in here!

Boone:
No, I created a masterpiece on the wall in there.

Wyatt:
I want to do that.

Me:
No! No one is drawing on the wall.

Wyatt:
Why?

Me:
Because you're not supposed to.

Wyatt:
That's not a very good argument.

Boone:
Yeah, dude. That's like saying planes can fly because they fly.

Me:
Hold on. I'm trying to come up with a better reason.

Wyatt:
These are washable crayons, right?

Me:
Yeah...

Wyatt:
Cool. So, we can draw on the wall then?

Me:
Um... Well... I guess so.

Boone:
Awesome. Hey, bro. Check out my mural.

Wyatt:
Hmm. It looks like it was drawn by a caffeinated chipmunk.