The Daddy Complex

Sep 2, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Working Blue

Wife: Oh, shit.
Me: What?
Wife: I dropped my bread.
Wyatt: "Shit."
Me: Uh-oh.
Wife: He said "sip."
Me: He quite clearly did not.
Wife: He's probably thirsty. Wyatt, do you want some water?
Wyatt: "No."
Wife: Maybe he said "sit." Like he wants to sit in his chair... He didn't say "sit" at all, did he?
Me: Nice going, Eddie Murphy.
Wife: Shit.

Aug 31, 2010 at 10:13 am

Wyatt: OW!
Me: What happened?
Wyatt: Boone bit me.
Me: Okay. Let me see your hand... Holy crap, Boone.
Boone: What?
Me: Look at that bite mark.
Boone: He told you I bit him. Why are you acting all surprised?
Wyatt: Yeah, dude.
Me: You can't bite people.
Boone: I think I just proved I can.
Wyatt: Really, Pop. Did you see my hand?
Me: Why did you bite him?
Boone: He was trying to take my puzzle piece.
Me: That's not a good reason for biting someone.
Wyatt: What is a good reason then?
Me: Maybe if your plane crashed in the Andes and you had to survive.
Wyatt: These teeth marks aren't going away.
Boone: You tried to steal my puzzle piece!
Me: You don't even know what piece that is.
Boone: Sure, I do. It's a cow.
Me: It's a police car.
Boone: Doesn't matter. It's the principle.
Me: Biting is not the answer. Neither is hitting, scratching, pinching—
Boone: I never do that stuff.
Me: Dude.
Wyatt: Seriously.
Boone: Okay. I do that stuff, but I'm learning how to assert myself while still using a limited arsenal of effective communication skills. Besides, this is basic toddler conflict resolution. We strike out because we don't know what else we can do.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. It's your job to teach us how to manage these situations.
Me: That's what I'm trying to do.
Wyatt: So?
Me: Um... Don't bite.
Boone: Wow. Genius.
Wyatt: Thanks, Stephen Hawking.
Boone: Well, I'm taking my cow to the hallway.
Me: It's a police car.
Boone: Doesn't matter.

Aug 18, 2010 at 8:30 am

Me: Wyatt, calm down.
Boone: Hey, dude. Could I have more zucchini, please?
Me: Sure. So... What's up with your brother?
Boone: What do you mean?
Me: Look at him.
Boone: Yeah, I guess he's flipping out a bit.
Me: A bit? That last cry just shattered the wine glasses in the hutch.
Boone: They were cheap glasses.
Me: I don't think putting him in the high chair warrants the fit he's throwing right now.
Boone: Dude, at this stage in our development, we understand vastly more than we can communicate. That gets incredibly frustrating.
Me: Fine, but—
Boone: Not only that, but the inability to communicate could raise other concerns for us, like feelings of extreme fear or anger.
Me: What could you possibly be angry about?
Boone: The fact that you don't understand us.
Me: Oh, right. So, what do I do?
Boone: You're the dad. Experts say to hold your child until they calm down.
Me: Okay.
Boone: Other experts say to let them scream it out, that comforting a toddler in a tantrum amounts to reinforcing bad behavior.
Me: Damn experts. They never agree.
Boone: Well, you'd better figure it out because I'm about to launch into my fit.
Me: What? Why?
Boone: I just ate the last of the zucchini.
Me: No. Wait. I can make more.
Boone: Go ahead. You won't be fast enough. I'm going to get started now.
Me: Please, don't. What Wyatt's doing isn't the answer.
Boone: I don't know. He's seems to have conviction.
Me: That's true. I'll get started on that zucchini.

Aug 12, 2010 at 8:15 am

Wyatt: Hey, Pop.
Me: Hi, guys.
Boone: Why do you look all flat?
Me: This is a video chat.
Boone: I don't get it. Where are you?
Me: I'm actually on the other side of the country. This is like a phone call, but you can see me on this computer screen.
Wyatt: Okay. That's why you look smaller.
Boone: It looks like television.
Me: It is like television, sort of.
Boone: So, you're with Elmo?
Me: No, it's not—
Boone: But, you said it was like television. Elmo's on television.
Wyatt: Hey, bro. Elmo's over here on this screen.
Boone: Elmo!
Me: Guys... Can you turn off the TV?... Hey, guys...
Wyatt: Quiet, pop. We're watching Elmo.
Me: Come on. I don't know when I'm coming home. I miss you.
Boone: What's the big deal? You're here on that screen.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. It's like you never left.
Me: Don't you want to talk to me?
Boone: Quiet. Elmo's on.

Jul 28, 2010 at 11:00 am

Wyatt: MAMA! MAMA!
Me: Dude, chill out. It's 5 a.m.
Wyatt: You're not Mama.
Me: She's right there, holding your brother.
Boone: Yeah, bro. Wait your turn.
Wyatt: He's had plenty of time.
Me: Boone's sick. Your mom's comforting him.
Wyatt: I want Mama now!
Boone: I may be here for a while.
Wyatt: Then, I'll just scream until you're done.
Me: What's your problem with me?
Wyatt: How long do you have?
Me: Look, pal. It's way too early for this. You're brother's got a fever. He's having trouble sleeping—
Boone: It's true. Mama's helping.
Me: So, either let me comfort you or go back to sleep.
Wyatt: Okay. I know how you can help.
Me: Great. How?
Wyatt: Pick me up and put me in Mama's arms.
Me: There's no room.
Boone: Sure there is. I can scoot over.
Me: Fine... Here you go. You're both in Mama's lap. Enjoy. I'm going back to bed.
Wyatt: Wait. You need to make us bottles.
Boone: Yeah, dude. Bottles.
Wyatt: Bottles.
Boone: Bottles.
Me: Fine! I'll make bottles!
Wyatt: Dude, chill out.

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