Dear Open Letter To Pat Robertson:

I thought, when penning you, that I was being really original. Alas, it turns out you were just one of a myriad of Open Letters To Pat Robertson written by everyone from legendary funnyman Norman Lear to some lady in one of those M states like Minnesota or Missouri or Iowa. I have to admit, hers was pretty awesome (2nd letter down).

You may be asking what you had to do with parenting or fatherhood. I may not have made it very clear, but I wrote you because I wanted to address people who fill the world — a world now inhabited by my children — with hate. I found it especially offensive that someone would fill the world with hate in the name of God. Well, it appears I may have induced God’s wrath by writing you. The cold I got from the boys last week has moved from my sinuses to my ear to my throat to my chest. And for some reason, I keep remembering that Jim Henson died of pneumonia.

During this holiday weekend, I’ve only seen my boys in hazy intervals between bouts of unconsciousness. So, Open Letter To Pat Robertson, since you seem to have a red Bat-Phone to God, please tell him to get this cold out of me. In the meantime, I promise I’ll go back to less political posts. Instead, I’ll do the wry observations about toy pianos and poopy diapers you’ve come to expect. Thanks… and, um, amen?

Sincerely,

David Vienna
TheDaddyComplex.com

Dear Pat Robertson:

I have vague memories of some of the weird antics crafted by comedy legend Andy Kaufman, like that whole David Letterman/Jerry Lawler thing. I was young, but I remember being freaked out at its absurdity. Later, as I grew an appreciation for comedy, I saw it as a brilliant deconstruction of both what we consider entertainment and the definition of humor. That’s why I thank God for you, Pat Robertson, for keeping that torch burning for my children’s generation.

You’re getting a lot of flak right now, but so did Kaufman when he went on that spree wrestling only women. Kaufman’s acts always broke through the barriers that normally contained comedy. He went off stage, into the news media, creating chaos in an effort to expose our shallow notions of reality and celebrity. I see you, Mr. Robertson, are now taking that a step further by generating the same asinine fervor in the name of religion by claiming Haiti deserved the recent horrible catastrophe because of a centuries-old pact with the Devil. It took me a while to get it but, when you think about it, your comments are hysterical.

The fact that you have lived your entire life posing as a leader of the global Christian community is just a part of your comedic genius. I mean I’d put your bold humor and dedication on par with comedy greats like the Smothers Brothers and George Carlin. And with all the sub-par comics today relying on dick jokes and acts about how they can’t seem to grow up, it’s heartening to finally realize my children will have a comedy master like you to help them make sense of the world through biting satire.

So, thank you, Pat Robertson. You had me convinced you were just a hateful, ignorant, dangerous asshole, blinded by a misinterpreted faith that should have instilled in you a sense of compassion. And while I am now your biggest fan (seriously, let me know when you do your college tour — I’d love to come see your act live!), if I’m wrong and this isn’t an act, I desperately hope your God does actually exist so, when you die, he can kick your ass to Hell for distorting his message so sinfully.

Now, I’m going to go “pray.” Ha! You crack me up.

Sincerely,

David Vienna
TheDaddyComplex.com