The Daddy Complex

Working Blue

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:01:00 -0700

Wife: Oh, shit.
Me: What?
Wife: I dropped my bread.
Wyatt: "Shit."
Me: Uh-oh.
Wife: He said "sip."
Me: He quite clearly did not.
Wife: He's probably thirsty. Wyatt, do you want some water?
Wyatt: "No."
Wife: Maybe he said "sit." Like he wants to sit in his chair... He didn't say "sit" at all, did he?
Me: Nice going, Eddie Murphy.
Wife: Shit.

Brain Vs Heart: Infertility

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:00:00 -0700

Brain Vs Heart: Infertility:

Okay, folks. You know I don’t reblog a lot. So, if I do it’s serious. Okay, a Muppet Venn diagram is not serious, but you know what I mean. My post today was written with the fertility treatment experience well behind us. Read this post by kaeporagaebora for a brutally honest account of what it’s like to deal with it as it happens. Everything she writes is exactly how it feels. She’s dead on.

I have to say this. My chest just feels so tight. I need to get this out.

I don’t like to talk about my infertility. Sometimes my anger and bitterness leaks out in pissy facebook statuses degrading single teenage moms or sometimes I’ll just bitch about it in general and delete the status/twitter…

A Fertile Topic

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 12:26:00 -0700

Okay, I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time, but I didn’t really know how. I recently realized, however, that a handful of readers might find this useful/encouraging/whatever. So, here goes…

Boone and Wyatt came into our lives because of fertility treatments. My wife and I used fertility treatments because we had trouble conceiving. And when I say trouble, I mean trouble — three specialists on two coasts over seven years, multiple failed attempts, five recorded miscarriages, plus at least two more that didn’t even make it to the stage where it could be considered a miscarriage. But believe me, they were miscarriages.

The extremely frustrating thing about it was nobody could tell us what was wrong. We baffled all the doctors to whom we were paying shitloads of money. I checked out okay, my wife checked out okay. We had no trouble getting pregnant, we had trouble staying pregnant.

Aside from essentially mourning a death or two each year, coping with infertility was — and is — a lonely, lonely place. Even if you’re fortunate enough to see the glimmers of humor in the terrible situation, you can’t share them with anybody because if they haven’t gone through it, they simply don’t understand the depth of the depression you have to fight out of every day and, if they have been through it, they don’t want to hear other people bitching about it, too. Sword, thou art double-edged.

In fact, if you have a friend or family member dealing with fertility issues, here’s a handy list of things you should never, ever say to them:

“You guys just need to relax.”
“You guys just need to go on a vacation.”
“You guys just need to get drunk and fuck.”
“My sister had trouble getting pregnant, now she has two beautiful kids.”
“Have you thought about adopting?”

For the record, that last one shouldn’t be mentioned because adoption is not a solution to infertility. It is a solution to wanting to be a parent. While one does affect the other, they are not the same. Also for the record, my wife and I did look into adoption, but not as a replacement for a child we couldn’t have. All the other items in the above list shouldn’t be mentioned because they are non-medical solutions to a medical problem. You wouldn’t tell a person with cancer that they just need to go on vacation. Don’t be an idiot.

All that said, stress is certainly a factor. Stress affects the body and can make it hard to get or stay pregnant. Of course, if you have trouble getting or staying pregnant, that’s stressful. Hello again, sword.

I joke about it with my wife, but it does bother me a bit that neither one of us was even in the room when my guys were technically conceived. So, when I’m feeling frisky and people tell me God blessed me with two beautiful boys, I correct them by saying, “Well, God, our checkbook and Dr. Rosen blessed us with these boys.”

I know some of you readers are going through this now. I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. There are people all around you who deal with this in silence, just like you. It sucks, but you’ll be okay. Stay strong. Have hope.

Have you ever seen the movie Vagina Dentata, a movie about a girl with a cannibalistic vagina? If not, you should check it out. If so, what did you think?

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 08:30:00 -0700

I have not seen Vagina Dentata. If you meant the movie Teeth, which is about a woman with vagina dentata, however, my answer is still no. I haven’t seen it (or either) because I assume it will have a similar effect on me that Jaws did. Man, I miss swimming.

Once Bitten

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 10:13:31 -0700

Wyatt: OW!
Me: What happened?
Wyatt: Boone bit me.
Me: Okay. Let me see your hand... Holy crap, Boone.
Boone: What?
Me: Look at that bite mark.
Boone: He told you I bit him. Why are you acting all surprised?
Wyatt: Yeah, dude.
Me: You can't bite people.
Boone: I think I just proved I can.
Wyatt: Really, Pop. Did you see my hand?
Me: Why did you bite him?
Boone: He was trying to take my puzzle piece.
Me: That's not a good reason for biting someone.
Wyatt: What is a good reason then?
Me: Maybe if your plane crashed in the Andes and you had to survive.
Wyatt: These teeth marks aren't going away.
Boone: You tried to steal my puzzle piece!
Me: You don't even know what piece that is.
Boone: Sure, I do. It's a cow.
Me: It's a police car.
Boone: Doesn't matter. It's the principle.
Me: Biting is not the answer. Neither is hitting, scratching, pinching—
Boone: I never do that stuff.
Me: Dude.
Wyatt: Seriously.
Boone: Okay. I do that stuff, but I'm learning how to assert myself while still using a limited arsenal of effective communication skills. Besides, this is basic toddler conflict resolution. We strike out because we don't know what else we can do.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. It's your job to teach us how to manage these situations.
Me: That's what I'm trying to do.
Wyatt: So?
Me: Um... Don't bite.
Boone: Wow. Genius.
Wyatt: Thanks, Stephen Hawking.
Boone: Well, I'm taking my cow to the hallway.
Me: It's a police car.
Boone: Doesn't matter.

Magic Button

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 09:28:09 -0700

Magic Button:

When you click this, all your dreams come true.*

(*The Daddy Complex has not verified this claim.)

I don't have any kids, but if I had to ask a parenting related question right now it would be, how do you break it your young child that their beloved hermit crab just died?

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 08:30:00 -0700

I would do it thusly: “Guys, I want to talk to you about something. Your hermit crab died today. It’s a stage of life — the final stage — that all living creatures go through. Now, I know you probably have a lot of questions, but first try this hermit crab dip I made.”

Faster Than An Idling Escalade

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0700

In the caption for the photo I posted yesterday, I mentioned the guys cashed in the day’s cute points by making lunch pretty exhausting. Leaving the restaurant wasn’t much better, but when we got to the car in the parking lot, they went from annoying to outright deadly behavior.

My wife and I have an unspoken rule that, if there are cars around, the boys have to hold our hand. If they protest, they get picked up and carried — kicking and screaming — because the rule is non-negotiable. So, after lunch we walked to the car, hand-in-hand, looking every bit the American family. When we got to the car, we became the American family leaping for a rouge son who was running into the path of an oncoming Cadillac Escalade.

While my wife was getting the keys, Boone yanked his hand at the right moment and escaped her grasp. Not stopping to brag or celebrate, he simply started running. She saw the approaching SUV and shouted for him to stop (a command he ignored), I just saw that he was running and sprinted after him. It wasn’t until I reached him that I saw the large black vehicle.

Now, just to be clear, this wasn’t a Bruce Willis moment. The SUV was far enough away and moving at a safe enough speed so that, if I hadn’t reached him in time, Boone would still have survived. The driver had plenty of time to stop. Of course, that was my hindsight wrap-up. In the moment, I was motherfucking Bruce Willis.

I snatched him up and spun back, out of the way. Child safe, my work was done.

Yes, yanking Boone from what I thought in that split-second was a path to certain death scared the shit out of him. And yes, it made for a very loud ride home. But, he didn’t seem phased by the large truck heading toward him, so something had to put the fear of God in him. Might as well have been me.

Have your boys been introduced to the world of Pixar short films? I'm only asking because I know that you and your wife recently (and kind of begrudgingly...?) started letting the boys watch TV and it sounds as if ELMO has taken over your world. ALL of the Pixar shorts are available on iTunes and they are always so good, I love Pixar and always look forward to their short films before their feature films. Indy's favorite is "Boundin.'" I seriously kind of get chills watching it. So when we need a break from "Kipper" and..."Caillou" ( I KNOW.....But he loves it), we watch Pixar! Try it!

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 08:30:00 -0700

Great idea. I love me some Pixar shorts. They kind-of hearken to old Warner Bros. cartoons, which had gags for kids and adults. Plus, showing our boys Pixar shorts is much better than my idea to introduce them to Showtime’s Masters Of Horror series.

The boys on their way to lunch today. The adorableness factor...

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 14:53:54 -0700

The boys on their way to lunch today. The adorableness factor here was offset by their crappy behavior once inside the restaurant.

There's A Monster At The End Of This Post

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:48:00 -0700

Last night, my boys and I spent a good half hour running around the apartment, screaming and growling like a troop of chimps that escaped from the zoo. Even the dog got into the act. It was a blast. Oddly, that same behavior is why I was asked to leave my last job.

That tucked them out so much that our wind-down time went off without any complaining and they feel asleep within minutes of putting them down. Speaking of that, I noticed another new behavior from my boys last night. They actually want to go into their cribs now. Strange, right? It’s not because they suddenly decided to stop protesting every move we make. No, once again, I can credit Sesame Street. Although, thankfully, not Elmo.

Last week, we decided to let the boys take a stuffed animal to bed with them. They’re long past the age where nighttime suffocation and/or SIDS is a threat. We offered up four Sesame Street plush figures and told them each to choose one. Boone chose Grover, Wyatt chose Honker. We leave those plushies in their cribs all day, marking them as strictly a bedtime thing. Also, it prepares our boys for the possibility that their childhood heroes may one day end up in jail.

Now, what I’m about to describe may have actually been happening for a few nights already, but it takes me some time to decipher what my boys are saying. Everything must be run through the “Toddler Language Reversal Filter.” For instance, we recently figured out “geeahf” means “giraffe” and “fees” means “fish.” We’re still not sure what “yoto” means, but I think Wyatt may be trying to impersonate Princess Leia when she was dressed up as Boushh the bounty hunter in Jabba’s palace.

Anyway, Boone finished his nighttime bottle and reached up for me. I thought he wanted to snuggle for a bit, but he kept reaching toward his crib and saying “go-ger.” You can deduce he was saying “Grover.” I reached in to get Grover for him and he started whining and leaning over. I placed him in his crib, he scooped Grover into his arms and smiled broadly. So, it appears I have been replaced by a lanky blue monster.

I have two kids, 4 and 8, by this point in our lives I expected everything to kind of mellow out and all of us co-exist as a family instead of 100% child-care. At what point do you think you'll reach that place?

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 16:05:00 -0700

When you reach sweet, merciful death.

I made a joke to my dad once about how I’ll finally get to return to my worry-free lifestyle when the boys turn 18. He looked at me and calmly said, “It never ends.”

And for the record, both my sister and I are closer to middle age than college age so, if he’s still worrying about us, that’s saying something. Although, to be fair, both of us are incredibly immature.

If you had unlimited money and the brains to carry out scientific research on any topic at all, what would you research and why?

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:40:00 -0700

I know I always say “ask me anything,” but you people do know this is a parenting blog, right? I guess my answer could be parenting related… but, it’s not.

If I had unlimited money, incredible smarts and felt like wasting those two things on scientific research instead of buying some vast Caribbean island on which I would do nothing but read Dashiell Hammett novels and use discarded pizza boxes to construct elaborate dioramas depicting scenes from the Battle of Arretium, I would probably try to perfect this whole jet pack thing.

Contrary to complaints, they do exist, but they’re super heavy and use large propellers instead of jets. As I once said regarding this subject: The future is here and it blows. I want a working version of the kind The Rocketeer uses, so I would spent countless millions trying to work out how to make a jet that burns cold rather than hot, so we can finally fly to work without burning our khakis.

Either that or I’d cure cancer or something.

laughingsquid: Muppet Name Etymology I think this is only my...

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 10:11:47 -0700

laughingsquid:

Muppet Name Etymology

I think this is only my second reblog ever, but it’s totally worth it… Okay, not totally, but kinda.

is there anyone you would like to reach out to but feel you cannot at the moment?

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:03:00 -0700

(Question by wetalk… he asked me a series of questions like this. I assume he got them from a random question generator or he’s just very creatively inquisitive.)

I would like to reach out to Jim Henson and tell him a single red Muppet hijacked his beautiful ensemble. I can’t reach out to him at the moment, however, because he’s dead.

They say there are no stupid questions. Don’t prove them wrong.

Holy mother of God! It’s GPOYW! This is me and Boone,...

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:28:33 -0700

Holy mother of God! It’s GPOYW!

This is me and Boone, digging some Elmo. I know I mention Elmo a lot now. That’s because, according to Boone, before Elmo, there was nothing but cold, cold darkness.

And yes, I cleaned up a bit. No mop of hair, no beard/5 o’clock shadow hybrid. Boone on the other hand looks like Bob Dylan on a bender.

Sitting Bull

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:30:00 -0700

As a parent, you experience wonderful moments each day. Witnessing your child’s first word or first step or just a look of amazement at something as simple as a stack of blocks brings a unique blend of joy, pride and humor not found anywhere else with the possible exception of some Madeline Kahn movies.

Of course, as a parent you have to be willing to give up certain things as well. No more rowdy late-nighters with your buddies from college or mid-day splatter horror movie fests. You may find you need to give up things you thought rock solid. In my case, I’ve essentially given up my manhood. You see, thanks to a fancy toilet lock in our master bathroom that prevents the lid from opening all the way, I now have to sit down to pee.

Touch This

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 14:00:00 -0700

Touch This:

Go ahead. No one’s looking. Do it.

Wyatt during our aforementioned swanky dinner. Suggested...

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 13:14:11 -0700

Wyatt during our aforementioned swanky dinner. Suggested caption: “You come near me with that tentacle and I’ll karate chop your larynx.”

Boone during our aforementioned swanky dinner. Suggested...

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 13:10:42 -0700

Boone during our aforementioned swanky dinner. Suggested caption: “Octopus? They should call it Rock-topus.”