When you’re expecting a child, everybody jokes, “Get all the sleep you can now.” Even people who don’t have kids. Two problems with that:

1. Getting sleep before your child’s arrival won’t help you once said child arrives; and
2. After four months of almost no sleep, you will want to track down anyone who made that joke and slaughter them.

I brushed off those jokes. I knew it would be a challenge, that I’d be tired, but I was ready. “Plus,” I thought, “I’ve had stretches of no sleep, strings of all-nighters. I can hack it.” I’m here to tell you, sir, no you can’t. But it’s okay.

Let me explain what happens once your wee one comes home from the hospital. For the next 3-4 months, you will only get sleep in two-hour blocks because your baby will need to be fed every 2 hours. That’s not an exaggeration. It’s a fact. Can’t be changed. And those two-hour blocks only happen if you fall asleep right away, not lie awake panicking about all the shit new parents panic about. And that, of course, is only if you don’t have work or chores to do or if your baby doesn’t actually sleep the whole two hours. And here’s the thing—that’s not the worst part.

Sleep deprivation like that will actually make you go bonkers. Again, not an exaggeration. You will literally go bat-shit crazy. More than once. Sometimes, for weeks at a stretch. There’s a reason they used it at Gitmo as a torture technique. During these times, you can feel your sanity snap like a wet twig, then any rational thought becomes a hazy memory. You will do and say and think things that, upon reflection, will chill you to your soul, making you question if you ever had the qualities of a decent human being.

Now, I’m going to tell you something here that some may find offensive: New fathers, your wife or girlfriend will handle all this much better than you because they are biologically prepared for motherhood. I’m not saying they won’t also slip a cog now and then, but the recovery time will be much shorter, her fuse will be much longer, her patience will be much… more patient. And yes, this will further aggravate your mental instability.

The payoff, however, is that after that 3-4 months, you do get what could be considered a normal amount of sleep. (The first time that happens, you will feel a euphoria like no drug can produce.) You will also start to see things like your baby’s smile or a look of recognition on your baby’s face as you enter the room. That, sir, is pretty fucking cool and it starts the milestone marathon, which includes rolling over, solid foods, crawling, first words, standing, walking, hugs, drawing, maybe a garage band, driving, a DUI, some jail time, then a career as an adult film star.

Lastly, let me address what are called “dream babies.” Those are the rug-rats that sleep through the night from day one and have no trouble napping. You’ll undoubtedly hear someone talk about their child like this. When you meet these people, you can go ahead and punch them in the face. It’s like a service the universe provides for sleep-deprived parents.