The boys have a “phonics bus.” It’s a little toy school bus covered in buttons that look like letters. Depending on the setting, it will sing or sound out the letters and give little examples of how they might be used. To be honest, I think it’s a little beyond their age range, but we use it anyway. Hell, I read them the paper every morning for the first three months, so I expect them to be able to pen a dissertation on the U.S. foreign economic policy and its effect on domestic durable goods any day now.

The bus is part of the LeapFrog line, which means it comes with three little frogs, one of which is the titular Leap. The others are Tad and Lily… you see the theme. I often have to pass on the bad news to my wife that there was a terrible accident involving the phonics bus. “Honey, I hate to have to tell you this but, well, Leap was drinking. The bus swerved off the matt. Lily was ejected. She’ll be okay, but I think we’re going to lose Tad.”

The boys have no idea what they’re doing when they slap the buttons. In fact, as I type this, they’re sitting in the living room rolling the bus over and over, pressing many buttons at once. The little voice explaining how to make letter sounds is valiantly trying to keep up. It sounds like an elementary school lesson remixed my Towa Tei.

I never really pay attention to the sounds. There’s only so many times you can hear “W says ‘wuh,” as in the first sound in ‘web’!” A few weeks ago, however, the phonics bus caught my attention because, I swear to God, I thought it said “fuck.”

To prove I’m not entirely mad, my wife heard it, too. We both froze, turning our heads like the RCA dog. I picked up the bus and started pressing buttons, looking for the one my boys hit that pissed it off enough to cuss. No luck. Days went by before I heard it again. This time, I heard a little of the preamble: “…like the last sound in ‘fuck’!”

I hit the K button because, knowing how to spell, I know that’s the last sound in “fuck.” The bus said, “K says “kuh,” as in the first sound in ‘kite’!” I raised an eyebrow and put the bus back down in front of the boys. I went back to my computer and the guys started slamming buttons again. In all the mess, I heard “…like the last sound in ‘fuck’!”

I shrugged. My wife was afraid the boys would learn to cuss from me. Now, I could blame the phonics bus. Days later, it was she who actually solved the mystery. She hit the X button and the tinny voice said “X says ‘kehs,’ as in the last sound in ‘fox’!” Fox, not fuck. I still maintain that the little voice is actually cursing. Y’know, like how those Disney animators put a flash of porn in The Rescuers. At least, that’s what I’ll tell my wife when my adorable little boys look up at here and say, “Fuck!”