Boone’s right next to me right now, scooting back and forth in the walker. He’s getting a bit fussy and the only thing that seems to calm him is my emotional rendition of Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart.” The fact that my singing and guitar playing make the boys laugh continues a tradition started 10 years ago by major label A&R reps who, despite my insistence I was a serious artist, thought my band’s demos were hysterical.

In what is probably a textbook example of bad timing, I gave up caffeine. And high fructose corn syrup. Cold turkey. Admittedly, I don’t think people get the DTs when they kick high fructose corn syrup, but the caffeine is another story. Day One went rather smoothly due to what I can only assume was my body’s stockpile of chemicals and, very possibly, two slices of pepperoni pizza stashed in my man boobs.

But I’m on Day Three now and I’m dragging, brother. I kicked caffeine once before and, that time, suffered a migraine headache that lasted about a week. This time, the headache is more subdued, but I have about as much energy as Patrick Swayze… Yes, I know he’s dead. That’s the point… forget it.

It may be bad timing to give up caffeine because, as you may have read, I have infant twin boys. If I rely solely on a stimulant to keep up with them, however, I’d be in trouble. The sheer amount of caffeine needed wouldn’t necessarily drop an elephant, but it would keep it up for days, during which it might spend the time plucking away at a novel until he realizes he doesn’t have a novel in him, then regretfully sit in front of the TV watching re-runs of Law & Order on TNT while weeping into his Scotch.

Plus, when the boys start walking, I’ll have to move to whatever upper has more kick. What was Alex P. Keaton hooked on in that very special Family Ties?

Eventually, my body will reset and I’ll have the normal energy level meant for humans which, believe it or not, is enough to get you through the day without crashing. It’s just a long road to get there. In the meantime, I guess I could just keep singing. I mean, when you think about it, once upon a time I was falling in love. Now, I’m only falling apart. Nothing I can say. Total eclipse of the heart.