The Daddy Complex

Shit They Don’t Tell You About Fatherhood: You Have No Idea How Much Actual Shit You’ll Handle

My wife has been away on a business trip for the past three nights. And for each of the past three nights I’ve had to handle shit. To my boys’ credit, one of those nights it was dog shit.

When you’re expecting a baby, people will joke with or warn you about how messy babies and toddlers are. No matter what you’ve heard or how detailed those stories are, it does not provide an accurate picture of just how much human feces you will be forced to touch.

Firstly, newborn’s poop is very fluid. This opens up a world of opportunities for fecal matter to find it’s way to places other than a diaper, especially if you experience what I dubbed “The Poo Fountain.” (Related: If you see your newborn making his or her “poop face,” don’t rush over and change the diaper right away. The wee one might not be done and your wall could end up looking like a Jackson Pollack painting.)

When your baby reaches toddlerhood, it gets more challenging. You will experience daily poop accidents during potty training. And “accidents” don’t just manifest as dirty undies. Poop will appear in hallways and on furniture and slip from pantlegs at the most inopportune time… not that there’s really an opportune time for a turd to roll out from a pantleg.

Even after your child is technically potty trained, you’re not done. My boys know how and when to use the potty, but what they haven’t mastered is the post-poop cleanup. I knew this was an issue, but really discovered how much of an issue last night when Boone climbed up on my lap and showed off a long brown smear on his leg. The worst part, however — it wasn’t his poop.

Let me preface that, like me, my boys like to watch TV in the nude. Wyatt left mid-show and deposited a monstrous crap in the potty. Apparently, he had trouble getting the toilet paper off the roll (it was stuck), so he just gave a perfunctory wipe with a shred of tissue and returned to the couch to cuddle with his nude brother. They both ended up with so many smears of poop on them, it looked like they were members of the world’s smelliest Indian tribe. And yes, there was also crap on the couch.

If I haven’t made it clear, let me reiterate: You will handle a soul-crippling amount of shit. There’s no way around it, so invest in some gloves if you think it might help (it won’t) and work on controlling your gag reflex (you can’t). Sometimes, when I’m cleaning up a pile, I actually have to go to my happy place. I call it the Island of Purell.

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Notes

  1. multiplyingourlove reblogged this from thedaddycomplex
  2. electradaddy said: Oh, hell. I laughed so hard I think I just peed on the couch. You’re a hoot.
  3. seulery said: I think you are brave just for letting them wipe themselves. I don’t trust my 3 1/2 yr old by a long shot. Poop stinks. Literally.
  4. heartbreakisahorcrux reblogged this from thedaddycomplex
  5. thesahmmy said: yes. ‘soul crippling’. well said, sir.
  6. lmbandgcb said: hahaha “soul-crippling”:) Sadly this is so true. My kid is a notorious bathtub pooper. I even have a designated poop-scoop cup to scoop it out of the tub now to keep it from becoming an even more disgusting mess while the water drains.
  7. colormesam reblogged this from thedaddycomplex and added:
    From an older sister to...younger sibling, Its only natural
  8. tam-ara-kate said: amen. I was *just* on the phone with kimberlydunbar.tumblr.com changing a diaper and stopped her mid-sentence to say, “I love [Isla] - like so freakin’ much - but I’m over this.”
  9. kungfucaveman said: Too true, too true. The best is when your wife picks up a stray turd ball off of the carpet and starts to inspect it. Wife: “What in the world is thi…OH, DEAR LORD!!!”
  10. thedaddycomplex posted this