The Daddy Complex

Dear Lego Batman,

I’m writing you on behalf of my boys. I’m sorry it has come to this, but I think it’s time for you to see other Lego figures.

As you may have guessed, my boys have found a new love in Lego Ninjago. Can you blame them, though? You may have gadgets, but they’re ninjas who can control the elements. Plus, there are dragons.

Consider this an opportunity for you to get to know Catwoman better. She always had a thing for you. Perhaps you two can build a life together… See what I did there? Lego? Build?… Nevermind.

Anyway, tell Robin we say goodbye. We all wish you well and we’ll see you in the videogame, which my boys still love.

David, authorized representative of Boone and Wyatt

24 new ways to leave your lover


by Nate Smith

In 1975 Paul Simon gave us 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. Here are 24 more ways to add to that list.

1. Wear clothes that blend in with the wallpaper. Stand very still.

2. Become an astronaut. Go to the Moon. Do not return.

3. Cover your lover in leaves. (This is a pun)

4. Tell her you had a previous engagement that you totally forgot about. (Make sure to add a back-dated calendar event to your phone)

5. Leave him…in  your mind.

6. Outsourcing.

7. Convince him to fake his own death.

8. Start talking non-stop about how your new idols are OJ Simpson and Chris Brown.

9. Tell him you have to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom on the other side of the planet…forever.

10. Explain that your term limit is over. Hold public elections for your replacement.

11. Invent time travel. Go back in time and prevent your relationship. Don’t forget to kill Hitler along the way.

12. Grow a beard. Keep growing it until it completely covers your body. Don’t move. Wait for her to mistake you for a big ball of hair and throw you out with the trash.

13. Burst into a billion kazillion molecules and simply float away.

14. Wait for the Zombie apocalypse. Let nature take its course.

15. Shoot yourself out of a cannon.

16. Go to a sporting event and use the Jumbotron to ask her to “not marry” you. When the camera turns to you, be gone already.

17. Build a fully stocked Doomsday Bunker with an automatic locking door that can’t be opened from either side for 50 years. “Accidentally” lock yourself in.

18. Jump off the Titanic as it is sinking. Tell your lover to never let go. Become an ice cube.

19. Tell him you have a phone call and you need to take it in the other room, and by other room you mean a room in a new city with a new family.

20. Puke on everything they love. Repeat as necessary.

21. Volunteer as tribute.

22. Select your relationship. Press Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

23. Tell her you are really into Improv now and your friends told you to break up with her and you have to Yes And it.

24. Say, “I am a camel now,” spit on his shirt and walk out the door on all fours.