The Daddy Complex: Archive

Me: C'mon, Wyatt. Eat some chicken.
Wyatt: "No!"
Me: I appreciate that you're using your words, but you have to eat something.
Boone: Yeah, bro. This chicken is good.
Wyatt: "NO! NO! NO!"
Me: Okay, okay. Don't freak out. What do you want?
Wyatt: "Yogurt."
Me: Okay. I'll get you some yogurt.
Wyatt: "Orange."
Me: Wait. You want an orange?
Wyatt: "Pancake."
Me: You're just rattling off words.
Boone: You think?
Wyatt: "Cracker."
Boone: Just jump in, dude. He's not going to stop.
Me: Try the chicken and I'll get you a cracker.
Wyatt: "Chips."
Me: Chips?
Boone: He's moving too fast. You've got to be more assertive.
Wyatt: "Hummus."
Me: I know. I'm trying.
Wyatt: "Muffin."
Me: Hold it! Muffin! I'll get you a muffin. You want a muffin?
Wyatt: "Muffin."
Me: Okay. Take a bite of chicken and I'll get you a muffin.
Wyatt: "Chicken."
Boone: Nice work, old man. You derailed him before he got to the inedible stuff. That would've made dinner impossible.
Me: Yeah, jeez. I feel like I stopped a runaway school bus.
Wyatt: "School bus."
Boone: Uh-oh.

Jan 25th

19 notes

6 tags

Tune Out, Turn On

I decided to switch off this weekend. I didn’t check Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr or anything of their ilk. I didn’t even watch TV. Instead, I enjoyed a kick-ass weekend with my family that included such awesomeness as: The grandparents (almost all of them) The children’s museum The pier where we saw birds and one massive seal An ice cream parlor that featured a model train The...

Jan 24th

35 notes

6 tags

“A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the type...”

– Forest E. Witcraft (via khaoticbeauty)

Me: Dude.
Boone: What?
Me: That's gross.
Wyatt: You're not supposed to say that to him while he's on the potty.
Boone: Yeah. You could give me a complex.
Me: You're eating yogurt while taking a monster dump.
Boone: And?
Wyatt: He's multi-tasking.
Me: Couldn't you have chosen something less... viscous? Like a muffin?
Boone: I've got my muffin right here.
Me: Dude! Was that on the floor?
Boone: Yeah, right here next to the potty.
Me: Give it to me.
Boone: But—
Me: Give it.
Boone: Fine. Jeez.
Wyatt: What's the big deal?
Me: This whole potty training thing is just a little unsanitary. There might be some unsavory elements on the floor around those potties.
Wyatt: Unsavory elements. What, like a crack dealer?
Me: Germs.
Boone: Hey, old man. That's racist.
Me: Not Germans. Germs, like bacteria and viruses and stuff.
Wyatt: We should stay away from all that?
Me: Well, some bacteria are good.
Wyatt: Oh, man. Here we go again.
Boone: C'mon, pal. Pick a side. Give us a straight answer.
Me: I'm sorry, fellas. There are no simple answers in life. The world isn't black-and-white.
Boone: So, eating yogurt on the potty might not be gross.
Me: No, that's totally gross.

Jan 21st

26 notes

8 tags

How To Train Your Child

I know I promised a rundown of the plague that swept through our home recently, but upon reflection, there’s not much to tell. We all got sick. It all happened really fast and it sucked. The worst part about it was I was the last to come down with symptoms so, like the lone survivor of the zombie apocalypse who’s just discovered a bite mark on his forearm, I knew exactly what I was in...

Jan 20th

31 notes

8 tags

The Contest Contest Winner!

A lot of cool ideas, people. A LOT of cool ideas. You guys. You guys. (You can’t see it, but I’m giving you one of those Robert De Niro looks… Y’know, like when he says, “You,” and cocks his head… Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?… Never mind.) Anyway, the winner of the Contest Contest is Anna of AJ Danger. Her idea was for people...

Tumblr’s being a bit wiggy for me, so rather than slave over a post about how I spent Sunday night dry heaving into a toilet only to see it lost to the ether, I’ll just tease you with the fact that I will soon being gracing your monitor with a story about how I spent Sunday night dry heaving into a toilet. I’ll also announce the winner of the Contest Contest tomorrow… So,...

I had the boys to myself last night because my wife had a business dinner. After their bath, I let them run around naked because we’re still potty training. (When they’re nude, they seem to be more willing to use the potty.) So, they ran around, dragging their towels, laughing loudly because apparently dragging towels around the house is hysterical. I started straightening up the...

My dad made a valid point about some of my political posts on the day of the shootings in Arizona. He said people probably come here to read about parenting, not politics. He’s right. While I certainly don’t think the two are mutually exclusive, I will admit I was sad and angry about the tragedy and I lashed out, posting a couple of things here that really didn’t have anything to...

Jan 14th

20 notes

6 tags

For New Parents & Parents-To-Be →

I just tweaked that “GET HELP!” post so it applies to all new parents (not just parents of twins with a deadbeat partner) and linked it in the right sidebar at The Daddy Complex. And to thegorydetails, I wasn’t trying to do a gotcha thing. I received more than just you two expressing similar sentiments. It’s not bad advice. And it’s a perfectly understandable...

Jan 14th

6 tags

About That Advice...

A few things regarding my last answer: I’m glad people are commenting and sending messages with their own advice. It is funny, however, that some of the suggestions are for the asker, who is male, to be supportive of his partner. The assumption there is that he won’t be the stay-at-home parent. As a former work-at-home dad, I think that advice could be flipped. Or rather, the best...

Jan 14th

8 notes

7 tags

coalspeaker asked: About to be a parent in, oh say 3-5 weeks.. any advice for a new soon to be first time dad? I am a bit overwhelmed at things.. I am told to take it easy, and just go with the flow. But the paranoid in my wants to over-analyze everything. And don't even get me started about sex on TV-- I am suddenly aging beyond my years

leebags-deactivated20110113 asked: It's really refreshing to read a blog by a normal parent and not 'Super Organiser Douche' etc. I finally feel like less of a failure, comparatively. Thanks!

Ps. What's Costco? It was mentioned on Community (Tv Show) recently, and now here....

Jan 13th

9 notes

7 tags

lucasandlogan asked: Hello there. So, my twin boys are currently 16 weeks old (they were early, so they are to be considered abt 12 weeks developmentally). They have gotten to a point where they want to be held/ entertained quite a bit, and I feel like I don't have enough hands!!! Any tips on ways to keep them happy/ occupied at the same time??? Running out of ideas here.

Jan 13th

6 tags

Some Things You Can Do

Ask (or tell) me stuff via email, Tumblr or Formspring. Submit an idea for The Contest Contest. Build a sculpture of Ben Franklin out of butter.

Jan 13th

1 note

7 tags

speakmom asked: Just wanted to let you know how smart, hilarious and wonderful I think your blog is. It's awesome to hear a dad's prespective on parenting. My husband and I are brand spankin' new parents and absolutely enjoy finding the humor in parenting. Hence, my blog (speakmom.tumblr.com)... can't take everything about parenting TOO seriously... I'll go gray at 25!

Jan 13th

4 notes

7 tags

lifeinmuffyscube asked: Hey daddy ....
I too wanted to say hello and thanks for your candid view on being a parent.... unlike TV it is NOT all glamor and easy going its real and raunchy from time to time and well I love how you put it all into words...
WAY TO GO!!!!

OH and PS: the fact that you and the wife are eye candy and will not assault my nose(u smell good) is just an added plus in my...

bageldreams asked: No question...just wanted to say that you make me laugh. You're stories and comments are very candid and really capture what its like with a 2 year old. My little Whit turned 2 in Sept, so I identify with you. Except scaled down (divided by 2)...you and your wife seem like good, fun people/parents...its refreshing.

Send me your best idea or ideas for the next giveaway contest and you could win your choice of What To Expect When You’re Expecting or What To Expect: The Toddler Years, courtesy of whattoexpect.com. Email me your best idea for a simple contest by this Friday at noon PST and be sure to include your mailing address, which book you’d like and a link to your blog (if you have one)....

Jan 12th

7 tags

Drawing The Wrong Conclusion

Me: That's great Wyatt. You want to try another color?
Wyatt: Sure.
Boone: What are you two doing?
Wyatt: I'm drawing.
Me: He's doing great. Check it out.
Boone: It looks like it was drawn by a drunk epileptic.
Me: I think he's doing great.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. It's fun. You should try it.
Boone: I have. I added my picture to the wall in the living room.
Me: That's great, buddy... Wait. What?
Boone: I did a rendering of the mighty Earl of Pembroke sailing the high seas.
Wyatt: Hey, old man. Where are you going?
Boone: He's probably checking out my work.
Me: Dude! You drew on the wall in here!
Boone: No, I created a masterpiece on the wall in there.
Wyatt: I want to do that.
Me: No! No one is drawing on the wall.
Wyatt: Why?
Me: Because you're not supposed to.
Wyatt: That's not a very good argument.
Boone: Yeah, dude. That's like saying planes can fly because they fly.
Me: Hold on. I'm trying to come up with a better reason.
Wyatt: These are washable crayons, right?
Me: Yeah...
Wyatt: Cool. So, we can draw on the wall then?
Me: Um... Well... I guess so.
Boone: Awesome. Hey, bro. Check out my mural.
Wyatt: Hmm. It looks like it was drawn by a caffeinated chipmunk.

Time For Another Contest...

…And this one is so meta, you may pull a hammy. First, the prize. The winner of this week’s contest will win their choice of the pregnancy bible What To Expect When You’re Expecting or the child-rearing bible What To Expect: The Toddler Years (courtesy of whattoexpect.com), a mention on The Daddy Complex, global bragging rights (only valid until the next contest) and newfound...

There’s nothing like a national tragedy to make you appreciate playing trains with your children. Not that I needed that kind of inspiration, but I spent most of Saturday and Sunday thinking about how I would explain to my boys (if they were old enough to be aware of it) exactly how the shootings in Arizona came about and what it means for them. CuteMonster.com referenced the event in a...

Jan 10th

30 notes

6 tags

“Wyatt’s evening attire: T-shirt, viking helmet. Boone’s evening...”

– The Daddy Complex on Twitter

Wyatt: "Poop."
Me: You have to poop? Okay, let's sit on the potty. Here you go...
Wyatt: Nope. Nothing. I'm outta here.
Me: Wait. You just sat down.
Wyatt: And I didn't poop, so I must not have to go after all.
Me: Just wait a minute.
Wyatt: A whole minute?
Boone: Dude, he won't sit still for minute.
Me: You need to be patient. Pooping takes some time.
Boone: Yeah, bro. The old man takes like a half-hour to poop.
Wyatt: Let me up.
Me: Just wait.
Wyatt: Dude!
Me: Okay. Fine. Get up.
Wyatt: You can't cage a wild horse, pal. I'm going to run around for a while. Wheeeeeee!
Boone: He's got a point. Is there a mobile potty or something he could use?
Me: I don't think so.
Boone: Maybe you should just line all the walls with rows of potties.
Me: I'm thinking of putting a tarp on the floor.
Wyatt: "Poop."
Me: You want to try the potty again?
Wyatt: No, I mean I just pooped in the hallway.
Boone: Yeah, that tarp sounds like the way to go.

Jan 7th

29 notes

7 tags

Be A Part Of These Clicks

I haven’t done one of these in a while, so here are your “Links You Should Know.” The Daddy Complex on Facebook The Daddy Complex on Twitter My personal Tumblr My personal Twitter A chart of every Batmobile ever

thegorydetails asked: I think we need to start a campaign to send pictures of cute kids wearing this t-shirt to Jenny McCarthy. But she'd probably be afraid of catching autism if she hugged them.

http://shop.womenthinkingfree.org/Hug-Me-Im-Vaccinated-Gear_c8.htm
http://hugmeimvaccinated.org/

Jan 7th

4 notes