March 2010
38 posts
5 tags
The Eye Of The Beholder
I’m about to tell you something other parents won’t tell you. Hell, other bloggers won’t tell you this either and you know what catty assholes they are. Are you ready? Here it is…
Babies are ugly.
I know what you’re thinking. “This guy is obviously a terrorist because babies are beautiful and America is beautiful. Therefore, he hates America. Quod erat...
7 tags
First of all, love the blog. The conversations...
(Question from mightymarce)
The one piece of advice I’d share with new parents is this: Alcohol makes the pain go away. But, one other piece of advice worth sharing is this: Don’t worry. You’re doing fine. My boys are technically toddlers now, so I guess I’m no longer a new parent. That means I can address all other new parents in much the same was my crotchety childhood...
5 tags
What's The Buzz?
Hey, Tumbloids. Ask me stuff. I will answer to the best of my ability. And I promise if I don’t have a good answer, I will make one up. Don’t believe me? Check out my answer to badgerdash’s question. Go ahead. I’ll wait…
See? Ask me here on Tumblr or here on Formspring or here via email. And while you’re welcome to ask anonymously, I encourage you to at least...
6 tags
Take Back The Night
Boone: HEY! COME BACK!
Wyatt: YEAH! DUDE! COME BACK!
Me: What is it?
Boone: Get us out of these cribs.
Me: No, it's bedtime. Go to sleep.
Wyatt: No way, dude. We were having fun.
Boone: Yeah, we want to keep playing. I need to practice throwing the firetruck around.
Wyatt: And I want to dangerously run while holding that heavy plastic guitar thing.
Me: Tomorrow. You can play tomorrow.
Boone: NOW!
Wyatt: We want to play NOW!
Me: Guys, really, stop screaming. You had a big day. It was fun, but it's bedtime.
Boone: You're upsetting us.
Me: I can tell.
Boone: MOM? MOM! Where's mom?
Me: She's busy.
Wyatt: Sure. I bet you wouldn't let her come in because you knew she'd let us play more.
Me: I couldn't stop your mom from coming in here if I wanted to. She came in earlier to calm you down, but you guys kept screaming, so now it's my turn to deal with you. We share the duty.
Wyatt: Look, there's an easy solution to this. Just let us keep playing.
Me: No.
Wyatt: I can't believe what a jerk you're being! Clearly, you should let us keep playing or we wouldn't be screaming. This seems like Parenting 101.
Me: I think you're screaming because you're tired.
Wyatt: Not us, dude. We're ready to go all night. Right, bro?... Boone?
Me: He's out.
Wyatt: TRAITOR!
Me: Calm down. Just lie back down and go to sleep.
Wyatt: Fine. I'm just going to shut my eyes for a few minutes, then I'm getting back to the screaming. You haven't heard the last of me, old man.
Me: Whatever you want.
Wyatt: Man, my eyelids feel heavy... Why do you have that smug look on your face?
Me: Because once you close your eyes, you'll be out.
Wyatt: Okay. That may be true. But, I'm planning on waking up at 5 am with a poopy diaper.
Me: Oh, no. Please don't.
Wyatt: Goodnight, old-timer. See you at the crack of dawn.
4 tags
6 tags
One Is The Loneliest Number
Just grabbed this cap from the Parenting page of the Tumblr directory. I’m sure this won’t last, but seeing this made me all squishy inside… I mean more squishy than my guts already are… You know, the good kind of squishy. I expect to have this feeling until Dear Baby and i heart baby beat The Daddy Complex back into submission.
Seriously though, there are some great...
7 tags
An Expensive Stroll
When we re-upped our infant/child CPR certification, the safety instructor asked us how big our boys were. When we told him, he said we needed to get new car seats right away. We were hoping to get a little more mileage out of our old ones, but a car seat isn’t where you want to start pinching pennies. No, you can pinch pennies on their clothes, which is why both our boys occasionally wear...
7 tags
Safety Dance
Boone: What’s this?
Me: That’s an electrical outlet.
Boone: No, I mean these little plastic things.
Me: Those are safety covers. They prevent you from jamming things in the socket.
Wyatt: Oh, cool idea.
Boone: Is that why all of the outlets look like this?
Me: It’s called baby proofing. Just our attempt to keep you around a little longer.
Wyatt: What else is baby proofed?
Me: Everything. Like... Okay. You know those little locking arm things on the toilets?
Boone: Yeah.
Me: Those usually aren’t there.
Wyatt: So, when your guests come scampering back from the bathroom asking how to unlock the seat—
Me: Normally, they just open.
Wyatt: I see.
Boone: If this place is baby proofed, why do we still get hurt?
Me: Well, the only way to completely baby proof a house would be to build it out of Nerf.
Boone: What’s Nerf?
Me: Never mind. You guys tumble sometimes, you get into stuff you shouldn’t. The baby proofing just ensures the accidents that do happen aren’t catastrophic.
Wyatt: So, you’re saying that the reason we bump our head on the floor when we fall is because you can’t baby proof a floor.
Me: Pretty much.
Boone: Hey, this plastic thing just comes right off the outlet.
Wyatt: Let me see that.
Me: No, wait. Don’t—
Boone: Nice job baby proofing, cheapskate.
Wyatt: I’m going to try to swallow this.
7 tags
I love your blog! How old are your sons? I feel...
(Question from anonymous)
Thanks. And yes, they are the same age… Well, my guys will be able to buy booze three days before your guy, but it’s close enough. They were born Nov. 24, 2008. Also known as “The Day After My Last Full Night Of Sleep.”
They say there are no stupid questions. Don’t prove them wrong.
6 tags
Shit They Don't Tell You About Fatherhood:...
I enjoy a good cocktail when at a fancy event. I love Central Coast wines and find they go with almost any meal. After working outside on a hot day, nothing goes down better than a cold beer. But once you have children, these things are replaced by something much more relaxing, much more addicting. Sleep.
This may not apply to everyone, but it applies to me and as much as I like to believe the...
7 tags
5 tags
Feels Like The First Time
We had a big family weekend. We hit the playground (twice!), went out to breakfast (blueberry pancakes!) and I got a bit of quiet time (Daddy’s weeping hour!).
There were a handful of firsts for the boys. Wyatt figured out that sitting and scooting down the steps is a much less dangerous way to descend a flight than simply barreling cavalierly toward the abyss, his previous favored method....
5 tags
Welcome, Porn Seekers
I’d like to extend a hearty and fatherly welcome to all the recent folks who’ve decided they like this here bloggy thing called The Daddy Complex. I do understand with a name like The Daddy Complex most of you were expecting some sort of May-December porn site involving older men and younger women. To those people, I’m sorry. Talk of poop and the occasional f-bomb is as raunchy...
6 tags
Mind The Gap
Wyatt: This rocks!
Me: I know. Pretty cool, huh?
Wyatt: You've been holding out on us.
Me: We've taken you to playgrounds before.
Wyatt: Yeah, but not this one. This thing is, what, eight stories tall?
Me: Actually, this part is just a few feet off the ground.
Wyatt: I can totally see our house from here.
Me: Let's not exaggerate. Come over this way.
Wyatt: No, I want to go that way.
Me: That's not a good idea.
Wyatt: I don't care. Your way sucks.
Me: You've never been to this playground. How do you know what's over here?
Wyatt: I want to go look at that shiny bar.
Me: There's an opening in the railing. If you walk over there, you're going to drop right off this thing.
Wyatt: So? You said it was just a few feet.
Me: Trust me. You'll feel it.
Wyatt: Let go, dude. I want to check out the drop.
Me: Look. There's a twisty slide over this way. Let's go slide.
Wyatt: Slide yourself. I'm headed for this gap in the railing. Besides, Boone's down there. He'll catch me if I fall.
Boone: I will totally catch you, bro!
Wyatt: See? At least somebody's got my back.
7 tags
I love the name Wyatt, how do you pronounce your...
(Question from likeineeded)
Like “moon,” unless he does something I already told Wyatt not to do. Then, I pronounce ending e like “ay” when I ask, “Et tu, Boone?”
They say there are no stupid questions. Don’t prove them wrong.
5 tags
Walking Tall
Upon returning from my “mancation,” which I just realized sounds like a gay porn, my wife said the boys are getting bored. She means we can’t keep dropping them in the same old enclosed play area with the same old toys and the same old view and act surprised when they protest. All they want to do right now is walk and, if they’re not walking, they want to make sure we know...
5 tags
Welcome Back To The Zoo
I’m back. I actually had a fairly substantial post addressing all the items in the bullet list from a couple of days ago, but my new computer is being buggy and I lost it. It’s actually upsetting me quite a bit. I’m trying very hard not to pen a lengthy screed about the company and all associated with it. (I’m looking at you, Nate Smith.)
Anyway, here’s the short...
6 tags
The Sound Of Silence
So, I have a confession to make. I’m on a little vacation right now. Not from you, but from my fatherly duties — one of those sanity breaks I always harp about. Here’s a good thing to keep in mind: If I’m writing often about how important it is for parents to take breaks, I probably need one.
The boys are with my wife and mother-in-law while I spend a few days catching up on sleep and trying to...
5 tags
“Rocket Boys” by Stereophonic Pistol...
6 tags
Talk The Talk And Walk The Walk
Boone: Are you done with that block?
Wyatt: No.
Boone: Give it.
Wyatt: I said I’m not done with it.
Me: Guys.
Boone: What?
Me: You’re both standing. Like, just standing in the middle of the room.
Wyatt: And?
Me: You look like little men. Like you’re grabbing a smoke in the lobby on your lunch break.
Boone: This is old hat. You should see us walk.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. Check this out... “Go, go, go.”
Me: Awesome, Wyatt! What was that you said?
Wyatt: What was what?
Me: You said, “Go, go, go” when you were walking.
Boone: Yeah, that’s what you and mom said to us when we were learning to walk.
Wyatt: Every time.
Me: But, you know that’s not a part of walking, right?
Wyatt: It’s not?
Me: Oh, boy.
Boone: Well, great! You know we can’t walk without saying that. Look what you’ve done to us.
Me: I’m sure it will wear off.
Boone: In the meantime, we’ve got some weird Tourette thing happening every time we take a step.
Me: It’s kinda cute.
Wyatt: I’m so embarrassed.
Boone: I hope you’re happy, old man.
Wyatt: What will the other kids say at the park?
Me: Guys, I’m really sorry. Wait, guys—
Boone: Stow it. You've done enough. C’mon, bro. Let’s get out of here... “Go, go, go.”
8 tags
bryanvana asked: David, I was wondering about how you chose your sons' names. Boone, Wyatt... did you and your wife choose one each? Or a different strategy. As an identical twin I always thought about how my parents decided on mine and my brother's names, but when I made it a point to ask them I was offered a very unremarkable answer: "We just liked them." I'm counting on you for an...
5 tags
There Are No Small Roles
My wife wanted me to point out that the most recent chat post wasn’t entirely accurate. I pointed out to her that “not entirely accurate” doesn’t begin to describe a fictional post in which our two pre-speech sons engage in a verbal duel of wits with me.
Of course, that’s not what she meant. So, like a good husband, I’m here to tell you the actual event that...
5 tags
Getting Choked Up
Last night, my wife and I re-upped our infant/child CPR certification. I guess you’re supposed to do it once before you give birth, once a year later, then every two years until your children grow old and retire.
Most parents do the pre-birth CPR class. There, you see a lot of expectant couples in the class bearing the same weary face — the one that comes from information overload combined with...
6 tags
Rude Awakening
Wyatt: DUDE! HEY, OLD DUDE!
Me: Shhhh. It’s 4 a.m. What is it?
Wyatt: This ain’t working.
Me: What?
Wyatt: This. Tonight.
Me: You were sleeping just fine.
Wyatt: Well, now I’m pissed.
Me: Is it your diaper?
Wyatt: I don’t know. That’s your job. I could have a load in my shorts, I could be hungry, I could’ve had a nightmare. All I know is I’m awake, I’m tired and you’re getting all Sherlock Holmes when you should be "CSI: Miami." I HATE THIS! FIGURE IT OUT!
Me: Keep it down. You’re going to wake your brother.
Boone: Too late.
Me: Damn it.
Wyatt: You’ve got your hands full now.
Me: No chance you’re going to drift peacefully back to sleep?
Boone: About as much chance that I might also poop rainbows.
Wyatt: Here’s the deal, Pop. You’ve got an incredibly small window to figure out what’s wrong before I ramp up and blow a return to slumberland.
Boone: Ditto that.
Me: You guys are stacking the deck here. Not only will the process of trying to figure out what’s wrong wake you up more, but I have to do it twice.
Boone: Don’t care, dude.
Wyatt: Not our problem... You know how, when I get really angry, I do that high-pitched shriek?
Me: Yeah.
Wyatt: Here it comes.
Boone: That’s nothing. Even if you finally get him back to sleep, I’m planning on staying up until just before our normal wake-up time. Got anything good on the DVR?
Me: I think I have some episodes of “Chuck.”
Boone: That’ll work.
5 tags
Old Yeller
I believe one of the reasons my wife first fell in love with me was my Steve McQueen-like driving skill. There was one event in particular when, with her sitting shotgun, I deftly raced around a wildly spinning truck on the 101 freeway. I calmly and coolly sped up rather than slamming on the brakes, which I’d rapidly calculated would have placed us right into the path of the rogue vehicle as it...
7 tags
6 tags
Hunger Strike
Me: Wyatt, you have to eat something.
Wyatt: I don’t want this—
Me: Don’t throw it on the floor.
Wyatt: And I don’t want this—
Me: Stop it.
Boone: Don’t worry. The dog will eat it.
Me: I didn’t buy that food to feed the dog.
Boone: Sure tastes like dog food to me.
Wyatt: Good one, bro.
Me: Fine. If you’re all done, I’ll just put the rest away.
Wyatt: Yeah, get that stuff out of my face.
Me: You guys don’t realize how good you have it. I give you organic chicken breast and fresh tomatoes and blueberries. You eat better than I do.
Boone: If it’s so great, you eat it.
Me: Maybe I will. This chicken looks good...
Wyatt: Hey, Boone. He’s eating it. He’s really eating it.
Boone: Dude, you’re eating our food.
Me: You didn’t want it.
Boone: Wait. Hold on—
Wyatt: He’s really wolfing that down. Stop him. I’m hungry!
Boone: Okay, old man. We’ll eat it. Hand it over.
Me: Too late. The chicken’s gone. Man, was it awesome.
Wyatt: What’s left?
Me: There’s some broccoli here.
Wyatt: Give it! I’m wasting away!
Me: Not so bad now, is it?
Boone: You think you’re so clever.
Me: Perhaps I do.
Boone: Well, perhaps the dog just threw up all the steamed carrots we fed him.
6 tags
nibblesandbits asked: For the record, I think you're hilarious. Do you think your adorable boys find you as funny as we do?
5 tags
Seven-Step Program For Sleep
Last night, Boone would not sleep. And for you non-parents, “not sleeping” rarely involves a supine baby in quiet contemplation. It means crying, thrashing, screaming, shrieking and perhaps side one of Slayer’s Reign In Blood.
Lately, Wyatt’s been protesting his bedtime and we know the drill:
give him a chance to wind down;
if he doesn’t, go into the room after 10 minutes;
smell for poop;
If...
6 tags
6 tags
Planning Spontaneity
Wyatt: What were you doing just now?
Me: Talking to a buddy of mine on the phone.
Boone: Oh, that’s a phone. Okay. We thought you were talking to yourself.
Wyatt: Yeah. I was ready to call the guys with the butterfly nets.
Me: You have to use a phone to do that.
Wyatt: Touché.
Boone: What did your friend want?
Me: He was inviting your mother and me over for dinner.
Boone: Awesome! We got the place to ourselves, Wyatt. Let’s order some pizza.
Wyatt: And we can finally finish watching “Hostel 2.”
Me: We’re not going... Wait. What?
Boone: Why aren’t you going?
Me: Because we can’t just head out at the drop of a hat.
Wyatt: Sure, you can.
Me: Even if we had a regular sitter, I can’t order him or her over without any notice.
Wyatt: We can handle ourselves, old man.
Me: No, you guys need constant supervision. Someone has to have eyes on you at all times.
Boone: Dude, we’re babies, not terrorists.
Me: It’s just frustrating because people without kids don’t realize we have to plan this kind of thing in advance. We can’t be as spontaneous... Why are you rubbing your fingers together?
Wyatt: It’s the world’s smallest violin playing for you. And I’m a baby, so it’s really, really small—
Me: I get it.
Wyatt: Because I have little baby hands.
Me: I know.
Boone: I think the problem is twofold. First, from what we’ve seen, people without kids never really comprehend what it’s like to have them. So, they can’t be faulted for not understanding how challenging even something as simple as dinner out can be.
Me: Right...
Boone: Second, you haven’t set up a support system to help you. No babysitter, no neighbors on which you can call, no friends to come over and give you a break. That is not the fault of your childless friends either.
Wyatt: Preach it, bro.
Boone: So, really, you’re the reason you can’t be spontaneous. You're the reason you can't go out to dinner with your friend tonight.
Me: Well, when you say it like that it sounds so harsh.
Wyatt: The truth hurts, dude. The truth hurts.
6 tags
cocoageek asked: Have/had you consider(ed) teaching them baby sign language?
6 tags
oursarah asked: What are the biggest similarities and the biggest differences between your boys?
6 tags
kaitmpayne asked: What do you think is the most challenging part of fatherhood?
6 tags
thegorydetails asked: My husband and I will be having a son, our first child, this summer. We both have mouths like sailors. How do we stop swearing before the baby starts talking? I am willing to give up beer and sushi for 9 months but giving up swearing for years seems impossible. I suppose I could always step outside and let out a string of curses to vent but I don't want the neighbors thinking I've picked...
6 tags
pismolitoralis asked: What's at the top of your list for the "Oooops I won't do that again" in regards to parenting and have you considered creating a cartoon strip of this incredibly well done series?
5 tags
Throwing Caution To The Wind
Baby toys are pretty durable. If Toyota made cars as durable as baby toys, there would be no reason to worry that your car might decide to rocket down a side street. You could simply steer it into the nearest brick wall. That’s why, when I’m cleaning up the boys’ play area, I just throw the toys into the toy chest. Sometimes, from across the room. And sometimes, I bank them off the wall. Or the...
5 tags
Hey, Internet. Ask me stuff. →
It does not have to be about parenting. I dole out phenomenal life advice, if by “phenomenal” you mean “utterly worthless.”