February 2010
26 posts
6 tags
6 tags
Anything But Routine
Me: “Arizona moon keep shining—”
Wyatt: Put a lid on it, old timer.
Me: I sing that song to you every night.
Wyatt: Not in the mood.
Me: At least take some of your bottle.
Wyatt: Shove it. Let me go.
Me: It’s bedtime, pal. You have to drink some of this.
Wyatt: No!
Me: C’mon. Just a little. Otherwise, you won’t sleep through the night.
Wyatt: I’d do it if Mom fed me.
Me: She’s feeding Boone.
Wyatt: I want her to feed me.
Me: What’s the difference? She’d offer you the same bottle, hold you the same way.
Wyatt: I want MOM!
Me: Jesus. Chill out.
Wyatt: Listen, dude. You know me, right?
Me: Sure.
Wyatt: So, you know I haven’t even begun to freak out.
Me: Yeah.
Wyatt: At a time when I should be winding down, you’re winding me up.
Me: I’m not winding you up. This is your trip, buddy.
Wyatt: You’re not considering the outcome. This is going to get bad. Real bad.
Me: Actually, I have considered it. If you freak out for a while, you’ll be so wiped out, you’ll fall asleep right away instead of fussing like you usually do.
Boone: He’s got you there, bro.
Wyatt: Mom wouldn’t do this.
Me: You’re probably right. Now, why don’t you drink some of your bottle.
6 tags
Who Likes To Rock The Party?
When the boys first arrived in our lives, we bought some great CDs from a series called Rockabye Baby. The company creates lullaby versions of rock music from bands like The Cure, Radiohead, AC/DC and Green Day. Seriously, they are pretty awesome. But, I’m not plugging a product here because I have no idea if they are actually good for kids. We never really tried them out on the boys. Just like my...
6 tags
danielulz-deactivated20100522 asked: I feel stupid for asking, but the chats with your kids, is that your interpretation of the event, or do your kids really talk like that?
7 tags
One Step At A Time
Boone: Hold on to me, dude.
Me: I got you. You’re doing great.
Boone: Shut up, shut up. I’m concentrating.
Wyatt: Don’t look down, bro.
Boone: I think I got it. Hey, check me out.
Me: See? You’re walking.
Boone: I’m walking.
Wyatt: Sweet.
Me: Okay. Now, try it without holding onto my hand.
Boone: What?
Me: Walk to me. It’s just a few steps.
Boone: You’re kidding.
Wyatt: Don’t push him. He’s not ready.
Boone: Yeah, I’m not ready.
Me: You’re ready. Just put one foot in front of the other.
Boone: All right. Here I go...
Wyatt: This is not going to end well.
Me: C’mon, Wyatt. He’s got this.
Boone: Put... one... foot... in... fro— WHOA!
Wyatt: And he’s down.
Boone: Ow!
Me: You okay?
Boone: Ow, ow, ow. Clearly, I’m not okay.
Wyatt: You really should’ve moved that plastic piano thing.
Boone: Yeah. That thing hurts, old man.
Me: Sorry. I should’ve cleared a path. You want to try again?
Boone: Not right now. I think I’d rather cry uncontrollably for a while.
Me: But, it was just a little bump.
Boone: Doesn’t matter. It was scary.
Wyatt: I told you he wasn’t ready.
Me: You’re not helping.
Wyatt: I know. I’m going to jump on him now.
5 tags
I Get Around
The boys are getting around pretty easily now. They’re not yet ready for the Los Angeles Marathon, but they’re taking a few confident steps at a time and, when they really want to move, they’ve got the crawling thing down to a sprint. Plus, thanks to some generous grandparents, they have these big plastic things with wheels that help them walk longer distances. They’re kind of like walkers for...
6 tags
Set Phases To Stun
I realize I write a lot about the boys’ phases. I think a good third of the posts here contain the phrase “the boys are going through a new phase,” which is then followed by some nightmare of parenting. To be honest, I don’t know if all of these things I’m discussing are phases or if it’s possible one or both of my boys are possessed.
As a parent, this is a pretty constant gray area: The...
6 tags
Primal Scream
Wyatt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Me: Hey! Stop yelling.
Wyatt: Why? It’s fun. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Boone: That does look like fun. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Me: Please, guys. Inside voice.
Wyatt: You say that to us all the time, but I have no idea what it means.
Me: I know, but when I say it, I speak in a calm, low tone. Soon, you’ll get what I mean by mimicking me.
Boone: Right now, I’m mimicking Wyatt. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Wyatt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Me: Guys, for the love of God.
Boone: This is what we do, old man. We learn from each other.
Wyatt: Yeah, you’re always talking about how that’s a good thing.
Me: Sure, when it comes to words and walking and stuff. But, this is—
Boone: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Wyatt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Me: Maddening.
Wyatt: You can’t have it both ways.
Boone: Either we learn everything from each other or we learn nothing.
Me: I know, I know. But you also learn some stuff from me and your mom, right?
Boone: Mom is awesome.
Wyatt: She’s great with those flash cards.
Boone: Yeah, she does the flash cards awesome.
Me: I do flash cards with you.
Boone: She does them better.
Wyatt: It’s true.
Me: How can... Well, you must learn something from me.
Wyatt: We do. How to push your buttons. EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Boone: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
5 tags
The Cold: Round Two
Hey, guys. I’ve got some really, really awesome news. Remember how my boys and my wife all had a cold? Well, I caught it!.. Wait. Did I say “awesome?” I meant “It sucks a bag of Tarbagan Marmot crap.”
If you remember, this is the second cold we’ve suffered through in about a month. Maybe a little over a month. I’m not sure because during the last cold I got so delirious I lost track of time. And...
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Pushing The Envelope
The boys are doing this thing now where they cry if we change anything that’s happening at that moment. They don’t go on a crying jag per se, but they certainly protest. And what I mean by “change anything that’s happening,” I mean if we take them from the play area to the high chairs or move them from the crib to the changing table or clear their trays when they’re done eating or put them in the...
4 tags
Catch Me, I'm Falling
Before we were even expecting babies to simultaneously enrich our days and destroy our nights, I saw actress Mary McCormack tell a story about her children that resonates with me just about every day. If you’re not aware, McCormack currently stars in the USA show In Plain Sight, which is a slightly ironic title for me because I’ve never seen an episode.
Also, I should point out that, while I...
6 tags
Wrestling Is Half The Battle
Boone: Look. I just figured out how to connect these two little plastic things.
Me: That’s great. You can string a bunch of them together and make a chain.
Boone: Cool.
Wyatt: COBRA CLUTCH LEG SWEEP!
Boone: Whoa! OW!
Wyatt: Hey, let me see those plastic things.
Boone: No, I’m working on something.
Wyatt: Gimme.
Boone: Give that back!
Wyatt: How’d you connect these things together?
Boone: Hey, old dude. This is your cue to step in and lay down some justice.
Me: Your doctor said I should let you guys work this stuff out.
Boone: What good could possibly come of that?
Me: It teaches you how to interact with other babies.
Wyatt: I guess you interact by getting thrown to the ground.
Boone: Watch it, bro.
Wyatt: In your defense, no one can stop my cobra clutch leg sweep.
Boone: Dude, I think you need to tell us how this should play out.
Me: This isn’t like you trying to climb the bookshelf. For stuff like that, sure, I’ll step in and tell you you’re wrong—
Boone: I still say I could’ve made it to the top.
Me: But, this stuff is more nuanced. You need to learn how to make decisions like when to share or when to defend yourself.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. You’ve got to learn that stuff.
Me: To be honest, Boone, I’m surprised you haven’t laid into Wyatt yet.
Boone: What do you mean?
Me: You’ve got an advantage of over three pounds on him.
Boone: I do?
Wyatt: He does?
Me: Yup.
Boone: Hmm... FLYING FOREARM SMASH!
Wyatt: OW! That hurt, dude.
Boone: I’ll take those plastic things now.
Wyatt: Hey, I was playing with those... What’s wrong with you, old man.
Boone: Yeah. Why are you crying?
Me: It’s just great to see you guys learning.
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I Reblog Your Love
iloveyoutumblrbook:
http://thedaddycomplex.tumblr.com :: I’m scared to check my dashboard at work because I might see one of his HIGHlarious posts on raising his freakin’ adorable twin boys, Wyatt & Boone, and start laughing out loud and get in trouble. :-)
<3
Whoever submitted this to iloveyoutumblrbook, thanks a bunch. It means a lot because, aside from sharing my fatherhood...
6 tags
Ultimate Baby Championship
The boys’ pediatrician hipped us to yet another advantage to having twins. I mean aside from the fact that one can check the pizza in the oven while the other fetches Dad a Bushmills neat.
He said they’ll learn to interact with other babies and toddlers faster because they’re kind of forced to already. Here’s the thing that surprised me, though. He said to help them learn we should let them...
5 tags
Hitting The Problem Head-On
Boone: I’m bored.
Me: Here. Take this book.
Boone: Cool! A book.
Wyatt: What about me? I’m bored, too.
Me: Um... How about this truck?
Boone: OW!
Me: What happened?
Boone: I hit myself in the head with the book.
Wyatt: Ha-ha!
Boone: Shut up.
Me: You’re okay, Boone.
Boone: It hurt! Why would you give me something that hurt me like that?
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. That’s kinda messed up.
Me: You can hit yourself in the head with anything. I can’t just stop giving you things to play with.
Boone: Well, you should watch me more closely then.
Me: But, there are two of you. Sometimes, one of you needs more attention than the other.
Wyatt: Not our problem, dude.
Boone: Yeah. You need to figure out a way to make sure we don’t hit ourselves in the head with things.
Me: I thought you’d have figured out not to do that by now.
Wyatt: And you need to keep us from getting bored.
Boone: Right.
Me: Okay. I will do my best.
Wyatt: OW! I hit myself in the head with this truck!
Boone: Not off to a good start, old man.
5 tags
You Formspring.me
If you didn’t see the link pop up in the list to the left a few days ago, you can now submit questions to The Daddy Complex via formspring.me/davidvienna. Or if you have a Tumblr account, you can always use Tumblr’s ask feature. Or you could think about your question really hard in an attempt to send it to me telepathically, but I would only recommend that option if you don’t...
6 tags
raving-lunatic-deactivated20110 asked: Your children are beautiful! Great blog by the way. Being a stay at home dad must be very difficult. What made you decide to do it?
6 tags
Words Fail Me
Me: What is this?
Wyatt: "Bear."
Me: That’s right. It’s a bear. That’s great.
Boone: So, he knows the word “bear.” Big deal.
Me: Say it again.
Wyatt: "Bear."
Me: Good!
Wyatt: Dude, I am rocking that “bear” thing.
Boone: You realize if you ever met a real bear it would swallow you like a pepperoni Hot Pocket.
Me: Don’t get mad, Boone. You’ll get these words soon.
Boone: Whatever. I can turn all the toys on and off. He can’t do that.
Me: What’s this, Wyatt?
Wyatt: "Turtle."
Me: Yes, it’s a turtle. That’s great. How about this?
Wyatt: "Mama."
Me: No, that’s a truck.
Wyatt: Okay. Then, that’s mama.
Me: No, that’s a dog.
Wyatt: "Mama."
Me: That’s a monkey.
Wyatt: "Mama."
Boone: Uh-oh. Looks like we’ve reached the end of his genius.
Wyatt: "Mama, mama, mama, mama—"
Me: I think he slipped a cog.
Boone: Want me to find his off switch?
6 tags
Hermetically Sealed Dad
The boys are sick again. Maybe. It could be teething. All I know is they’re both sneezing, cranky, have runny noses and Wyatt looks like Jim Carroll before he cleaned up. Wait… Did Jim Carroll ever clean up?
Wyatt has nearly a full mouth of teeth already. He may also have a few of Boone’s. Plus, their snot is clear. For you non-parents, I know that sounds like I’m just offering gross...
5 tags
Shit They Don't Tell You About Fatherhood: 1950s...
In this forum, I’ve oft referred to the “1950s Housewife Syndrome.” Contrary to what you might think, that is not another parenting blog… But, just in case, COPYRIGHT! Ha! I smell a spin-off.
No, the 1950s Housewife Syndrome encapsulates all the ethereal stresses and mental breakdowns that naturally come with the role of stay-at-home parent, which is compounded by the fact that ethereal...
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Hitting The High Note
Many twins develop their own form of verbal communication. They speak regular old English to everyone else, but when speaking to each other, they can slip into this invented form of speech, understandable only to them. I once saw a video of teen twins conversing in a language that sounded like a Kraftwerk bootleg played through the stereo of a 1983 Dodge Aries.
My boys, though still very young,...
6 tags
A Nose By Any Other Name
Me: Blow your nose.
Boone: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: You’ve got a runny nose, so blow into this hanky.
Boone: This what?
Wyatt: You’re talking gibberish, dude.
Me: It’s easy. Just blow air through your nose. It clears away the snot. You’ll breathe better.
Boone: Into that?
Me: Yes. It’s a hanky.
Wyatt: It looks like a sock.
Me: Well, it is a sock, but it’s a hanky for this purpose.
Boone: You can’t just go changing things up on us like that. You’re telling me a sock can also be a... a...
Wyatt: A hanky.
Boone: A hanky. How am I supposed to learn anything?
Wyatt: Yeah. It’s like when you call the dog “Mike.”
Me: His name is Mike.
Wyatt: So he’s a dog and a Mike? You’re really screwing us up here, old man. Like learning the English language from scratch wasn’t challenging enough.
Boone: And let’s not forget that he wants me to do some weird nose thing.
Wyatt: Right.
Me: Look, you can refer to things in multiple ways. For instance, you guys are twins, but you could also be called “brothers.”
Boone: Wait. What?
Me: You’re also “siblings.”
Wyatt: Dude! Stop! You’re frying my synapses here.
Boone: I need an aspirin.
Me: It’s okay. You’ll figure it out over time. For now, just blow through your nose—
Boone: Fine. Snaaaaaaghrrrr!... Wow. That’s disgusting.
Me: Next time, wait until I have the hanky in front of your face.
Wyatt: You mean the sock.
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All The Cool Kids Are Doing It
The Daddy Complex now has a fan page over on Facebook. I know what you’re thinking: “In the name if merciful pirouetting Christ, how do I become a fan over there?” If you already have a Facebook account, it’s easy. Go to facebook.com/thedaddycomplex (also linked in the sidebar) and click “Become a fan.”
If you don’t have a Facebook account, let me be the...
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Your Twisted Daddy Complex
I’m slowly tweaking the layout of The Daddy Complex. Those reading via the Tumblr dashboard or an RSS feed may not know that the site has been cleaned up a bit. No more empty pizza boxes and used needles.
I’ve also started re-organizing some of the tags I use for the posts. That allowed me to create a sidebar section I call “Daddy’s Stash” where I’ve provided...
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Proper Nouns
Remember in The Fly II when Eric Stolz turned a certain age he literally bugged out? My boys are doing something like that except without insect mandibles. Last week, they had just a few words. “Mama,” “Papa” — that sort of thing. This week, they have a vast vocabulary that includes:
bear
car
water
hair
bye
doggy
antidisestablishmentarianism
They’ve mastered pointing to their nose,...