January 2010
28 posts
5 tags
There Can Be Only One
Wyatt: Hey, the plastic turtle. I love the turtle.
Boone: I want the turtle.
Me: You’ll get it in a sec, Wyatt’s got it now.
Wyatt: It’s pretty cool, bro.
Boone: I want it.
Me: In a sec.
Boone: No, now.
Me: Boone.
Boone: NOW!
Me: Dude! Chill out. You’ll get it in a sec.
Wyatt: Wow. I’ve never seen him turn that shade of red before.
Me: Boone, calm down.
Boone: Why aren’t there two of them? There are two of us. There should be two of them.
Wyatt: Yeah, why aren’t there two?
Me: Because we didn’t want to be those consumer parents who buy everything they don’t really need.
Boone: Like happiness?
Me: Well, here’s a good example. Most parents run out and buy an SUV when they have a kid. We’re doing fine with our old wagon.
Wyatt: If you call stacking luggage to the ceiling and cramming the dog in the back “fine,” then sure.
Me: We can’t just leave the dog behind.
Boone: He breathes on us the whole drive. It’s gross. Seriously, what do you feed that dog? Bear poo?
Me: You’ll soon understand the concept of sharing. Until then, you’ll just have to chill out.
Boone: Okay. Until then, I’ll just scream.
Me: Wyatt, what’ll you take in trade for the turtle?
Wyatt: The Wii.
Me: You’re kidding.
Wyatt: He’s turning red again. Looks like he’s about to break some eardrums.
Me: Can I still play it?
Wyatt: When I’m napping. And no using my avatars.
Me: All right. Give Boone the turtle.
Boone: Hey, the plastic turtle. I love the turtle.
Wyatt: If you need me, I'll be in the living room working on my golf swing.
6 tags
Resetting The Internal Clock
Boone: LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!
Me: Guys! Go to sleep.
Boone: But, I’m not tired.
Me: It’s naptime. Lie down. Shut your eyes.
Wyatt: I’m not tired either. Are you sure it’s naptime?
Me: Yes. It’s the same naptime you’ve had for, like, months.
Boone: I don’t know what to tell you, dude. I’m amped.
Wyatt: Me, too.
Me: Well, most babies consolidate their naps into a single afternoon nap, but you guys consolidated it into a morning nap—
Boone: That’s because we don’t follow the crowd.
Wyatt: Yeah, dude. We’re not sheep.
Me: Okay, but I’m saying maybe you guys are slowly shifting to an afternoon nap after all.
Boone: What does your fancy baby book say?
Me: Let me see... nothing, nothing...
Boone: I thought you said that was the only book you need on the subject.
Me: Not every baby conforms to the same pattern, so no book is always right... Let me just check this other section... no, nothing... This book is CRAP!
Wyatt: Hey, old-timer. Calm down. You’re going to have a myocardial infarction or something.
Me: Sorry. It’s just that when the routine shifts like this, I get stressed out.
Wyatt: Clearly.
Me: Your screaming doesn’t help.
Boone: My bad.
Wyatt: Look, this is all pretty interesting, but I’m really tired now.
Boone: Yeah. Beat it, so we can get some sleep.
4 tags
More Than Ctrl+Alt+Del
Wyatt’s going through a phase right now in which he only wants his mother to feed him his last bottle and put him down at night. Phases like this can become habits very easily, so I’m trying to do what I call a “hard reset.” Yes, I refer to my children like they are iPhones.
The hard reset for Wyatt means I feed him and put him down, no matter how much he protests. And, boy, did he protest last...
6 tags
Just Say No
Wyatt: Watch out, dude.
Boone: Go away. I’m playing with this thing.
Wyatt: Here I come. You better watch out.
Boone: Back off, bro.
Wyatt: HIYA!
Boone: Whoa! Ow!
Me: What’s going on?
Boone: Wyatt pulled me down.
Wyatt: It was awesome. I wrapped my arms around him and just fell backward. He kind-of flew over me.
Me: Really? That’s like a wrestling move. Nice.
Boone: Pop, c’mon.
Me: Sorry. I mean, Wyatt, don’t flip your brother.
Wyatt: Whatever, old man.
Boone: Wow, dude. You suck at this parenting thing.
Me: I know. But when I thought about what it was going to be like raising a child, I never imagined WWE moves were going to be a part of it.
Wyatt: Well, they are, so step up.
Boone: Yeah. What happens when we try to jump our bikes over the dog?
Wyatt: Or over a fire pit?
Boone: Oh, that sounds cool.
Me: Don’t worry. I’ve got the whole “Don’t Play With Matches” speech all ready.
Boone: Fantastic. I feel safer already. In the meantime, I’m going to eat this chunk of carpet lint.
Me: Wait! Don’t do that.
Boone: Why not?
Me: Because I said so.
Wyatt: Much better.
Boone: All right. That’s more like it.
Me: Okay. Now, give me the lint.
Boone: I ate it.
7 tags
Spell The Word "Censorship"
If you can judge which is your favorite song by how many times you listen to it, then I guess my favorite right now is “The Alphabet Song.”
It’s safe to say I hear that ditty about 50 times a day, sometimes more, sometimes in bits. This is because every baby/toddler toy made plays the song, even toys that have no business with the alphabet. Like why does my boys’ toy PDA sing “The Alphabet Song?”...
7 tags
Talk To Me
Wyatt’s going through a phase right now, which I hear pretty much all toddlers go through. He knows what communication is, but doesn’t have the words to actually communicate. So, he gets frustrated. So, he freaks out. That means he cries and screams, sometimes uncontrollably, until we figure out what he needs. It’s understandable. I do the same thing when I’ve had too many vodka gimlets.
The only...
6 tags
Coming In From The Cold
Boone: God, I feel miserable.
Wyatt: Me, too.
Me: Me, too.
Boone: What do you mean?
Me: I got your cold.
Wyatt: You can’t be sick. You’ve got to feed us and stuff.
Me: I’m trying to rally here. Just take it easy on me.
Boone: Take it easy? Dude, this is when we need you most.
Wyatt: Yeah. We’re achy, our noses are stuffy and we’ve got what sounds like a two-pack-a-day cough.
Boone: It’s a bad cough, dude.
Wyatt: So, there’s no taking it easy. In fact, I feel a freak-out coming on any minute.
Me: Please don’t.
Boone: I thought old people couldn’t get sick.
Me: No, we get sick just like you.
Wyatt: Do you teethe like us?
Me: No.
Boone: That’s not fair.
Wyatt: You’re seriously shaking my foundation here, old man. You mean you really can get sick? I thought you were invincible.
Me: Not invincible. Although, I might not have gotten sick if you guys didn’t insist on coughing right in my face.
Wyatt: Don’t try to pawn your weakness off on us.
Boone: Yeah, dude. Not cool.
Me: Whatever. I’ve got to go blow my nose.
Wyatt: But, I’m achy. Fix it.
Me: In a sec.
Wyatt: That’s it. Freaking out now. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Boone: Way to go, old man. Like this cold wasn’t bad enough.
6 tags
bestnatesmithever asked: Follow up follow up question: Do you find it interesting that your parents used the CIO method and now you are writer effectively crying it out on this blog?
I want to get going on the CIO method in our house. My wife can't bare to hear Chandler cry. But I think it will be good for him. I'm also really lazy and it'd be nice to not have to get up every time the kid...
I want to get going on the CIO method in our house. My wife can't bare to hear Chandler cry. But I think it will be good for him. I'm also really lazy and it'd be nice to not have to get up every time the kid...
6 tags
bestnatesmithever asked: Follow up question: What's the CIO method? (I realize I could google it and get an answer much quicker. But...this is more entertaining)
6 tags
breadteam asked: What did the cholo say when several houses fell on top of him?
6 tags
bestnatesmithever asked: In your house, who is/will the disciplinarian? Do you and your wife have a good cop, bad cop routine?
1 tag
Ask And You Shall Receive
Have a burning question? Ask me.
Have a burning rash? See a doctor.
6 tags
I Take It Back
Dear Open Letter To Pat Robertson:
I thought, when penning you, that I was being really original. Alas, it turns out you were just one of a myriad of Open Letters To Pat Robertson written by everyone from legendary funnyman Norman Lear to some lady in one of those M states like Minnesota or Missouri or Iowa. I have to admit, hers was pretty awesome (2nd letter down).
You may be asking what you...
7 tags
Thank You, Pat Robertson
Dear Pat Robertson:
I have vague memories of some of the weird antics crafted by comedy legend Andy Kaufman, like that whole David Letterman/Jerry Lawler thing. I was young, but I remember being freaked out at its absurdity. Later, as I grew an appreciation for comedy, I saw it as a brilliant deconstruction of both what we consider entertainment and the definition of humor. That’s why I...
5 tags
Room To Roam
Boone: Whoa.
Wyatt: This is awesome.
Me: I thought you’d like it.
Boone: Look at all this space.
Wyatt: Check it out, bro. I can crawl way over here. I’m so far away from you right now.
Boone: That’s insane. Dude, this is way better than that rinky-dink play area in the living room where you put us all the time.
Wyatt: Yeah, I can’t believe you did all this just for us.
Me: Well, I know you guys get bored sometimes, so I went the extra mile for you.
Boone: How much did all this cost?
Me: Don’t worry about that. Just enjoy it.
Wyatt: Cool, man. What do you call this place?
Me: “The Hallway.”
Wyatt: “The Hallway.” Awesome.
Boone: Wow! My truck rolls so far in here.
Wyatt: Our trucks didn’t roll at all in the living room. That damn rug.
Boone: Dude, don’t get me started on that rug.
Me: This should help you guys learn to walk, too. You’ve got more running room.
Wyatt: Rad. I don’t think we’ll get bored in here for... What do you think, bro?
Boone: A week? Maybe.
Me: That’s okay. I’m working on another surprise for you.
Wyatt: No way. What is it?
Me: I can’t tell you or it wouldn’t be a surprise.
Boone: Give us a hint, at least. What’s it called?
Me: I call it “The Dining Room.”
Wyatt: Dude, that sounds so bitchin’.
5 tags
Touch Me, I'm Sick
Everybody in my house is sick except my wife. For the record, we didn’t get it from our nanny because Wyatt started coughing over the weekend, before she returned to work. So, our nanny is still recovering, Wyatt and Boone are both coughing and I woke up this morning feeling like my sinuses went on a date with Chris Brown.
And today, everybody’s fussy. Me, too. I blame Wyatt.
I don’t know why,...
6 tags
matsormiu-deactivated20100113 asked: Hey, where did you get that amazing Twitter widget? xo Nina
5 tags
Shit They Don't Tell You About Fatherhood:...
My repeated attempts to get off caffeine fail not because I am weak, but because my boys are Gitmo-ing me with sleep deprivation again. Okay, I guess it’s not all their fault. They’re both sleeping through the night pretty regularly, but Boone has a habit of moaning in his sleep. You’ll discover when you become a parent your hearing suddenly reaches a level only describable as superhuman. I’m...
6 tags
The No Nanny Diaries
Our nanny called in sick today. I know what you’re thinking: “You have a nanny? Cheater.” Here’s my response to that: “That’s right, pal. I also have a chauffeur-driven Bentley and spend my afternoons eating Beluga caviar while sitting on my 24 karat gold toilet.” All of that is true except for the chauffeur-driven Bentley part. And the caviar. And the gold toilet.
Rather than a mere stay-at-home...
6 tags
bestnatesmithever asked: If your two kids grew up to become a crime fighting super hero team, what kind of heroes would they be?
6 tags
The Sunshine State
Me: We made it. Your first flight. What did you think?
Wyatt: Let’s not do that again.
Boone: Amen, bro.
Me: C’mon, that wasn’t so bad.
Boone: Dude, we were strapped in our car seats that whole time.
Wyatt: Yeah. That’s some Gitmo stuff right there.
Me: You played with your blocks and some magazines, met some nice flight attendants and now look. You’re in a new city.
Wyatt: Big whoop. Looks like L.A. to me.
Me: It’s Ft. Lauderdale. On the whole other side of the country.
Boone: You put us on a plane for four and a half hours to take us from one sunny city with palm trees to another sunny city with palm trees?
Me: I never thought of it that way.
Boone: You should have taken us to Big Bear, dude.
Wyatt: Fresh powder. Ski bunnies. And it’s close to L.A.
Me: You don’t know how to ski.
Wyatt: And how am I going to learn here? It’s full of sand and weird old people.
Me: They’re not weird.
Boone: They’re weird. Look at those geezers. What are they doing?
Me: They’re playing shuffleboard.
Wyatt: Oh, for the love of Pete.
Boone: Next you’ll be taking us to get an all-you-can-eat early bird special.
Me: Hey, guys. Look over there. It’s Grandma and Grandpa.
Wyatt: What... GRANDPA!
Boone: GRANDMA!
Wyatt: Okay. I guess Ft. Lauderdale isn’t so bad.
Boone: Still, let's take the train back.
8 tags
Flying With Babies: In A Strange Bed (& Wrap-Up)
I realized after I teased this entry yesterday that there’s not much to getting a baby to sleep in a strange place. At least, not for us. We’ve altered our strategy from tossing them into the strange room and slamming the door.
We learned the best way to get the fellas comfortable in an unfamiliar apartment/home/hotel/cardboard box in an alley is, on the first day, simply play with them for a...
6 tags
bestnatesmithever asked: What is your favorite part of being a dad?
2 tags
Looking For Fatherly Advice? →
I’ve enabled Tumblr’s “Ask” feature, so now you can ask me anything you want. Seriously, it doesn’t even have to be about fatherhood. Just click the header here or the “ASK THE DAD” link in the column on the left. And when answering, I will do my best not to be a complete smart-ass.
7 tags
Flying With Babies: Time Change
Experts say, if your baby isn’t a solid sleeper or is easily affected by schedule disruptions, the best way to prep him or her for a new time zone is to simply start accommodating for it a week or two before you leave. Start waking your baby earlier and earlier or putting them to bed later and later, depending on which way you’re heading. Of course, that is only possible if you have a team of...
7 tags
Flying With Babies: The Flying Part
Neither our departing nor returning flight had a block of seats wider than three across. Also, you’re not allowed to put a baby in the aisle seat. For us, that meant the configuration on our return flight went thusly:
- Boone in the window seat - Wyatt in the middle seat - A responsible parent in the aisle seat - A lucky parent in another row or across the aisle
And since my chivalry lasts only...
8 tags
Flying With Babies: Security And You
I recently compared modern air travel with a cross-country ride on a bus with an overflowing toilet. I now know that comparison is an insult to cross-country rides on busses with overflowing toilets.
While still dashingly youthful-looking, I’m old enough to remember the days when air travel was an event. People used to actually dress up to fly. Drinks were free as was the food. Flight attendants...
5 tags
Your Dreams Were Your Ticket Out
Hey, I’m back. Actually, I’ve been back for a week now, but I needed a break from stressing about my hit count and Tumblarity rating. I have a few “How I Spent My Winter Vacation”-type posts to publish in the next few days but, to keep you interested, here are some hints as to what I may or may not be covering:
- Airport security vs. Parents with babies/toddlers - Flying with not one, but two...