September 2009
17 posts
5 tags
This Goes To 11
Wyatt: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!
Me: Jeez, Wyatt. Cool it, dude.
Wyatt: Just stretching out the ol’ vocal chords. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
Me: For the love of God, your brother just got over his screeching phase.
Wyatt: I know. He showed me how to do it.
Me: You’re already pretty vocal. Do you have to do that?
Wyatt: Well, I’ve already explored different sounds. Now, I’m working on volume. RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Me: Jesus.
Wyatt: Check this one out. BBBLLLLLAAAAAAAAARRRGGGG!!!! That ended with a G.
Me: I know.
Wyatt: I learned that from the phonics toy.
Me: Great.
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Me: How long does this phase last?
Wyatt: I’m guessing I’ll get bored with it right when our next round of teeth start coming in.
Me: This is a problem because, aside from the sheer annoyance factor, you also make those sounds when you’re tired.
Wyatt: So?
Me: So, how do I know if you’re just screeching or if you’re tired?
Wyatt: Wow, that is a sticky wicket... Try putting me in my crib and see if I freak out.
Me: That is a non-starter, dude.
Wyatt: Then, I guess you’re screwed. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAA!!!!!
5 tags
Testing The Limits
On Sunday, we all headed to my uncle’s for his birthday. I kind-of invited us after seeing a posting on my cousin’s Facebook page, but I like to think they were planning a big family cookout anyway, rather than a more intimate and certainly less stressful dinner. I guess it doesn’t matter. Once my uncle agreed to have us over, he knew it was no longer his show. Babies always headline.
Actually,...
5 tags
I Got Your Phonics Right Here
The boys have a “phonics bus.” It’s a little toy school bus covered in buttons that look like letters. Depending on the setting, it will sing or sound out the letters and give little examples of how they might be used. To be honest, I think it’s a little beyond their age range, but we use it anyway. Hell, I read them the paper every morning for the first three months, so I expect them to be able...
6 tags
Fighting Tooth And Nail
Boone: AAAAAAAA!
Wyatt: AAAAAARRGH!
Me: What? What is it?
Wyatt: I’m uncomfortable.
Boone: Yeah. Me, too. But it’s more than that.
Wyatt: Right. It’s like...
Me: Pain?
Boone: Is that what it’s called? Sounds about right. AAAAAAAAYYY!
Wyatt: AAAAAAGH!
Me: It must be your teeth coming in.
Wyatt: I thought they already did.
Me: No, those were just your first teeth. More are coming.
Boone: How many?
Me: A whole mouthful.
Wyatt: Each of us?
Me: Yes.
Wyatt: Damn it.
Boone: Boy, we really got the crap end of that stick.
Me: Well, everyone goes through it.
Wyatt: Can I just stop the process? I was thinking about getting a gold grill like Flavor Flav anyway.
Me: Sorry.
Boone: So, we have no say in this at all. That sucks. OW! AAAAAAARGH!
Wyatt: AAAAAAEEEEEE! OW! OW! OW!
Me: Hey, this is no picnic for me either. It’s like living with two car alarms.
Boone: What’s a car alarm?
Wyatt: Wait. What’s a car?
Me: Never mind.
Wyatt: This is your fault, old man.
Boone: Consider this chapter one in my tell-all memoir about what a terrible father you are. OH, OW! OW!
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAAA!
6 tags
4 tags
Hungry Eyes
Today, my boys turn 10-months-old. I think it’s about time they went out and got a job.
Actually, we briefly entertained the idea of whoring our babies out to modeling agencies. Aside from the fact that we get stopped at least once a day by people telling us how beautiful our children are, we also factored in that our children really are goddamn stunning to look at. And I don’t mean that in the...
5 tags
Subtle Sounds
Wyatt: ...papapapapapapa...
Me: That's right! Say "Papa."
Wyatt: What?
Me: Say "Papa." You almost had it.
Wyatt: I was just making noises.
Me: I know, but you were saying it.
Wyatt: Saying what?
Me: Papa.
Wyatt: What's that?
Me: Me. I'm your Papa.
Wyatt: Huh.
Me: Try again. Say "Papa."
Wyatt: I'm going to flip this thing over.
Me: No, you're supposed to hit that button and a little dude pops up.
Wyatt: It does what?
Me: It pops up.
Wyatt: ...papapapapapapa...
Me: There! You almost have it. Say "Papa."
Wyatt: I'm going to fart-
Me: Please don't.
Wyatt: Hold on... That feels better. Hey, did you hear it? That sounded like "Papa."
5 tags
The Sporting Life
I want my boys to be interested in sports. That means sometime between now and sporting age, I have to get interested in sports. On Thanksgivings throughout my life, when my extended family got together, someone would turn on the football game and I would zone out. Seriously, I might as well have been watching competitive resource consumption accounting.
An interest in activities needs to be...
5 tags
Two For One Special
I wrote before that Boone looks like he inherited my thick curly/wavy hair. It’s finally starting to fill in and, because of his round baby face, he looks like a midget version of Popeye Doyle from The French Connection.
We went to a brunch thing at our friend’s house on Sunday. The event was billed as “Babies Who Brunch” but, to be honest, I didn’t see many babies actually brunching… if...
5 tags
Up, Up And Away
I think Wyatt’s top front teeth have come in. It’s hard to get a good look, so I haven’t seen them, but there is a grinding sound coming from his direction every once in a while. Looks like yet another stellar trait I’ve passed on.
That kind of stuff is unavoidable. It’s the avoidable stuff I really fear. Every new parent does something regrettable at least once while handling their child. The...
6 tags
Being Toyed With
Me: Hey, Boone. Don’t pull that stack of burp cloths down please.
Boone: I’m just going to pull it.
Me: I said don’t pull it.
Boone: Just a little pull.
Me: No, because they’ll all fall over and I’ll have to clean them up.
Boone: Yeah?
Me: Yeah.
Boone: I’m pulling.
Me: You’ve got all these toys right in front of you. Here, this one plays music.
Boone: It plays the same piano riff every...
6 tags
Turn Around
Boone’s right next to me right now, scooting back and forth in the walker. He’s getting a bit fussy and the only thing that seems to calm him is my emotional rendition of Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart.” The fact that my singing and guitar playing make the boys laugh continues a tradition started 10 years ago by major label A&R reps who, despite my insistence I was a serious...
5 tags
Eat, Drink And Be Fussy
Our week away from L.A. was good but, as with most things attempted with babies, not entirely relaxing. Wyatt’s teething really ramped up and reached a crescendo Friday night. My wife and I did our best to calm him to no avail. He basically cried inconsolably until 4:30 am on Saturday. His brother Boone slept soundly through the whole affair. The little fucker.
We reached two milestones on the...
8 tags
Swimming With The Elks
A lot of our friends up north joined the local Elks Lodge. Seriously, almost all of them are now members. Once word caught on that they had a bar and a pool, everyone rushed to join. You might say it was a stampede. Eh? Right?… Ahem. Sorry.
The fact that the Benevolent & Protective Order of the Elks betters local communities by helping the blind and disabled probably factored less into...
8 tags
Call Of The Wild
My wife and I are packing the kids and our dog Mike in the car and headed up north for a week. We’ll live in the woods like animals, hunting for our food, taking on nature’s worst with our bare hands. Mike, already being an animal, has a slight advantage. Because of this, it makes sense that he should be in charge. So, I’m letting him hang onto the food supply and my quiver of arrows. What could...
6 tags
Survival Of The Fittest
Our nanny returned to work today and brought her daughter with her, which means I got to take it a bit easy. And that means I went to see Inglourious Basterds. I dig Tarantino’s stuff because, when you examine the individual parts of his films, they look as though they would total up to disaster, but somehow he makes it all work. And I’m not trying to make a metaphor for parenting with that...
7 tags
The Birth Of Logic
The nanny took the day off today to register her daughter for classes. That means I, once again, have the boys to myself for the day. So far, no major catastrophes, although it’s been a bit more challenging than the last time I did this. That time, we weren’t prisoners in our home.
The last time I had the boys sans nanny, I deftly planned a day of distraction — lunch with their mom, then a drive...