October 2009
17 posts
7 tags
Breaking Away
Boone: Hey, dude. What are you doing?
Me: Packing.
Wyatt: For what?
Me: Vegas.
Wyatt: Wahoo! Don’t forget my monkey hoodie.
Boone: Yeah, and my "Star Wars" bib. Chicks dig that.
Me: You’re not coming.
Wyatt: Right... Wait. I don’t think he’s kidding, bro.
Boone: You better be kidding, old timer.
Me: No kidding.
Boone: How will we feed ourselves?
Wyatt: We don’t know how to make that green thing! Y’know, the one you cut up into little pieces.
Me: You mean zucchini?
Wyatt: Is that what I’ve been eating?
Boone: This is child neglect! I’m calling the authorities. Give me your phone.
Me: Fine. Here.
Boone: How to you work this thing?
Wyatt: Try biting it.
Me: Don’t bite it. Give it back. Your mother will be here, plus your grandma will be helping out.
Boone: I see. You’re going whoring.
Me: I’m not going whoring.
Wyatt: Slut.
Me: Will you stop? My trip doesn’t mean I don’t love you guys. It's just that I'm here with you 24/7. Parents like me have to make sure they get a little break now and then. It helps us stay calm and make better decisions.
Wyatt: So you’re saying you’re weak.
Me: It’s not a matter of weak or strong. It’s a matter of sanity.
Boone: This is clearly your problem because we’re awesome.
Wyatt: I agree. We’re awesome. You know what this calls for, bro.
Boone: Extra cuteness.
Me: What?
Boone: We’re going to be extra cute so you feel like crap for leaving.
Me: Great.
Wyatt: Hey, pop. Check me out. I’m snuggling with the dog.
Boone: That’s cute stuff right there.
5 tags
Multiple Choice Problem
While I try to post something every weekday, even if it’s just a photo or two, I found myself unable yesterday. I had a day’s worth of errands peppered with twin wrangling during my occasional pit stops at the house. All that activity made my bum knees very unhappy, so no post… And yes, I type with my knees.
In baby news, Wyatt has entered a phase I have yet to read about in any book. I...
6 tags
Against The Grain
Me: Dude!
Wyatt: What?
Me: What are you doing?
Wyatt: Biting this thing.
Me: That’s a table. Don’t bite that.
Wyatt: Why? I bite everything.
Boone: Yeah, dude. It’s one of the ways we explore the world around us.
Me: You took a chunk out of it.
Wyatt: Is that what I’m chewing?
Me: Jesus. Come here.
Wyatt: HEY!
Boone: Put him down, dude!
Wyatt: ...gaaaaargththtpp...
Me: Got it.
Wyatt: I was eating that, jerk.
Me: That’s the problem.
Boone: That’s not cool, dude.
Wyatt: You took food from a baby. Isn’t that a mortal sin or something?
Me: It’s not food. It’s wood.
Wyatt: If it were wood, it wouldn’t have come off so easily.
Me: Trust me, little man. It’s wood.
Boone: Maybe you shouldn’t have bought such a cheap coffee table.
Wyatt: Isn’t this place supposed to be baby-proofed by now?
Me: It’s pretty safe. You guys just seem to naturally gravitate toward the most dangerous thing in the room.
Boone: Ever since you got rid of the jumper, we’ve had to get our kicks elsewhere.
Wyatt: We’re thrill-seekers.
Me: Eating a table is not an extreme sport.
Boone: Not yet.
Me: Perhaps we can turn this into a learning experience.
Wyatt: I learned you’re a jerk.
Boone: Me, too. Do we get a gold star for the day?
5 tags
Animal Farm
We took the boys to a pumpkin patch today. Don’t worry. I will spare you any lame Gen X references to the Great Pumpkin. I will, however, tell you that at this particular pumpkin patch they also had goats, chickens, ducks, cows and sheep. Despite my generous cash offers, these were not for sale to eat.
The boys were enthralled with the goats, the first of the pens we visited. By the time...
6 tags
Knock Kneed
Boone: Pick me up.
Me: I can’t right now.
Boone: Seriously, pick me up. Look, I’m being all cute. Pick me up.
Me: I screwed up my knees. I can’t crouch down.
Boone: What happened?
Me: That fitness boot camp thing.
Wyatt: I thought that was supposed to make you get in shape.
Me: It does.
Boone: If that’s what you call “in shape,” I’m moving to a pizza and beer diet pronto.
Wyatt: Me, too.
Me: I just pushed myself too hard.
Boone: So, how long are you going to be gimping around here?
Me: Three weeks.
Wyatt: Jesus.
Me: At least.
Boone: What a moron.
Me: Chill out.
Boone: Moron! Moron! Moron!
Me: I mean it.
Wyatt: What are you going to do? Chase him?
Me: Last time I checked you still hadn’t figure out how to crawl, little man.
Boone: Uh-oh.
Wyatt: He’s got you, bro.
Boone: You can’t walk and I can’t crawl. Looks like we’ve got ourselves a Mexican standoff.
Me: That’s not exactly what that means. And I don’t think you should say that.
Boone: How am I supposed to express myself?
Wyatt: You could write a poem.
Boone: Watch it, bro.
Wyatt: What? You have a way with words.
Boone: That's right, I do. Maybe I’ll write a rhyming soliloquy about how I can’t form lasting relationships because my dad couldn’t pick me up when I was a baby.
Me: We’re all just going to have to take it easy for a while... What? What’s so funny?
Boone: You took this boot camp thing to get in shape for us and now you’re worse off than you were before.
Me: I know.
Wyatt: Moron.
4 tags
It Takes Two
My boys could not be more different. Yes, they’re twins, but fraternal, not identical. Wyatt has straight hair, while Boone’s is curly. Boone has hazel eyes, while Wyatt’s are ice blue. Wyatt looks to be right-handed, while Boone appears to be left-handed. Boone is quiet, yet explorative, while Wyatt is content to just sit and chatter away. Wyatt loves when I swing him around the room, while Boone...
7 tags
Food Fight
Me: Open up.
Wyatt: Give me the spoon.
Me: No, just open up.
Wyatt: Give it to me. I want to feed myself.
Boone: Give it to him.
Me: No.
Wyatt: Why not?
Me: Because you’ll fling it everywhere. I know you need to learn how to use a spoon, but I don’t feel like cleaning up a big mess today.
Wyatt: I won’t fling it.
Boone: He won’t.
Me: Yes, you will.
Wyatt: I won’t, dude. Trust me. I’ve seen Boone do it. I’ve totally got the whole spoon thing down.
Boone: Yeah, he’s always picking stuff up from me. Remember that screeching thing?
Me: Right.
Wyatt: C’mon. Give me the spoon... C’mon.
Me: Okay. Here.
Wyatt: HIYA!
Me: Damn it.
Boone: Wow, bro. I think you hit the far wall. And the bookshelf.
Me: Give me back the spoon.
Wyatt: WOOOO!
Me: Hey, don’t throw food at the dog.
Boone: Seriously, old man, you are a sucker.
Wyatt: I’m Jackson Pollack!
Me: Not on the stereo. Jesus.
Wyatt: Boone, look. I’m shampooing my hair with... What is this stuff?
Me: Prune and oatmeal purée.
Boone: Pop, you better clean that up or it’ll stain.
6 tags
Anger For Anger's Sake
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: What?
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Tell me what’s going on.
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Hey! What is up?
Wyatt: I’m upset.
Me: Clearly.
Wyatt: Fix it. FIX IT!
Me: I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong.
Wyatt: Well, do a little sleuthing, why don’t you? You’re an adult, despite all those dolls you have.
Me: Those are action figures.
Wyatt: Whatever, Nancy.
Me: Okay, you were playing with that rattle thing, laying on your back...
Wyatt: Yeah.
Me: You started to fuss, so I sat you up...
Wyatt: Okay.
Me: Then, you went ape.
Wyatt: That can’t be it. Did you poke me with anything or maybe make the dog growl at me like at Abu Ghraib?
Me: No, dude. You just freaked out.
Wyatt: Well, do something. AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Okay, okay. Maybe I’ll sing to you.
Wyatt: Go ahead.
Me: “Blackbird singing in the dead of night...”
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAAAH! Try something else.
Me: Here’s a bottle.
Wyatt: How dare you offer me a bottle.
Me: What? It’s a perfectly logical solution.
Wyatt: Did I say I was hungry?
Me: Dude, it was a guess.
Wyatt: Shove your guess, old man. FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!
Me: There’s nothing wrong.
Wyatt: Oh, yeah. Then, why am I pissed off?
Me: Must be my bad karma.
Wyatt: What?
Me: Nothing.
Wyatt: Wait. Where are you going?
Me: To sit on the couch over here. I just need a minute.
Wyatt: Hey, come back. I’ll be cool. See? I’m cool. Everything’s cool.
Me: You sure?
Wyatt: Yeah. I’m fine now. Jeez. You’re too sensitive.
3 tags
On Bended Knee, Pt.2
The doctor gave my legs a good shaking (no, that’s not a euphemism… at least, not in this case), asked me a few direct questions and diagnosed me with chondromalacia. Colloquially known as “Runner’s Knee,” it is a condition in which the cartilage under the knee cap becomes irritated. Considering I’ve been pretty irritated since joining fitness boot camp, I think it’s only fair that my...
6 tags
On Bended Knee
To those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter, first let me say, “For shame.” You can’t see it, but I’m also giving you a disapproving and somewhat disappointed look. Second, you non-followers have missed my ongoing commentary about the fitness boot camp in which I’m enrolled. And don’t say you’ve been following it on that little Twitter widget to the left, because I just added that yesterday,...
7 tags
The Morning Routine
Boone: HEY!
Wyatt: HEY, WE’RE UP!
Boone: DUDE, COME GET US!
Wyatt: DUDE! HEY, DUDE! DUDE!
Me: Okay, okay. I’m here.
Wyatt: Why are you shuffling like that?
Me: It’s early.
Boone: It’s 7 am. That’s when we always get up.
Me: It’s 6:45.
Wyatt: So, we’re 15 minutes off.
Me: That 15 minutes is important. You’ll see when you get older.
Boone: Don’t blame us. Our internal clocks are still developing.
Wyatt: Yeah. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s some way this is your fault.
Boone: And to be perfectly honest, we’ve actually been up for over half an hour.
Wyatt: So, we’ll probably be getting cranky in no time.
Me: Don’t you want to go back to sleep for a bit?
Boone: No way, dude.
Wyatt: I second that emotion, dude. Man up. Get us out of these cribs.
Me: All right. What do you feel like doing this morning?
Boone: I’m going to attempt to crawl, then get frustrated and whine for a while.
Wyatt: I think I’ll roll off the mat onto the hardwood floor and bump my head. Then, I’ll cry.
Me: Sounds like a busy morning.
Boone: Was that sarcasm? That sounded like sarcasm.
Wyatt: Just for that, I’m taking a monster poo in my diaper right now. Enjoy, smart guy.
5 tags
The Freaks Come Out At Night
Boone: HEY, I’M HUNGRY!... HELLO!? I SAID I’M HUNGRY! ANYONE!?
Me: ...no you’re not...
Boone: Why do you look all squinty like that?
Me: Because it’s 4:30 in the morning. You woke me up.
Boone: I’m hungry.
Me: No, you’re not.
Boone: Oh, yeah? Why did I wake up, then?
Me: Habit.
Boone: Can I eat habit?
Me: No, it’s not a food... Trust me, you’re not hungry.
Boone: When I used to wake up at 4:30 in the morning, you would feed me.
Me: That was when you were little.
Boone: I’m still pretty little.
Me: Dude, you’re like 22 pounds. You should be driving already.
Boone: Well, we’re both up, so you might as well feed me.
Me: No.
Boone: Why the heck not?
Me: You need to learn to put yourself back to sleep.
Boone: So, I should be making my own food?
Me: No, I mean you should be sleeping through the night by now and, since you aren’t, you need to learn how.
Boone: This would all go away if you would just feed me.
Me: I’m telling you, you’re not hungry.
Boone: So, how do I learn to put myself back to sleep?
Me: One option is I come in and tell you everything’s okay, then leave. That’s what I’m doing now.
Boone: Hmmmm... Doesn’t involve me being fed. What’s behind door number two?
Me: I don’t come in and just let you cry until you fall asleep again.
Boone: You wouldn’t.
Me: Try me.
Boone: You're a cruel, cruel man.
6 tags
Shit They Don't Tell You About Fatherhood:...
I started this blog after the boys were sleeping pretty solidly through the night. I did this for two reasons. First, twin newborns keep you much too busy to do anything but triage baby care. Second, if I had blogged back then, the entries would’ve read like this:
…I can hear the air… HAHAHAHAHA Wait, ojfpnq[clsp3wp,d .lllulk I don’t sleep enough to dream, so my dreams are coming to...
6 tags
Long Way To Dreamland
Boone: Man, I am so tired.
Me: I know. You’ve had a busy morning.
Boone: I can barely keep my eyes open.
Me: Okay, here you go...
Boone: Wait. What are you doing?
Me: Putting you in your crib.
Boone: Why would you do that?
Me: Because you’re tired. It’s naptime.
Boone: Screw that, old man.
Me: Dude, you’re showing all the signs. Rubbing your eyes, getting cranky—
Boone: Oh, you haven’t seen cranky yet.
Me: Just shut your eyes.
Boone: Just shut your cake-hole. Pick me up or I’m going all "Ecks vs. Sever."
Me: Chill out.
Boone: Pick. Me. Up.
Me: Go to sleep. It’s naptime.
Boone: I’m not kidding! I will make your eardrums bleed!
Me: Quiet time now. Night-night.
Boone: That’s it, old man! Here comes THE PAIN! I’M GONNA... zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Me: Thank Christ.
Wyatt: Thank Christ for what? Hey, why am I in this crib?
7 tags
Running On Empty
My wife and I signed up for one of those month-long fitness boot camp things. We’re nearly at the point where both boys will be crawling and/or walking and, once that happens, we need to be able to keep up with them. After all, we can’t keep them locked in that dog cage forever.
Our first boot camp session was today — my wife took the morning class, I took a lunchtime class. Afterwards, the...
7 tags
Eating Disorder
Me: Okay, guys. Lunch time.
Wyatt: About time!
Boone: Awesome!
Me: Here you go, Boone.
Boone: Wow, that is good.
Me: Wyatt, here you go.
Wyatt: Yuck, that tastes like boiled rat’s butt. What is that?
Me: Cottage cheese.
Boone: I dig it.
Wyatt: You dig everything.
Boone: That’s true. I do. I’m a foodie.
Wyatt: That is clearly not cottage cheese.
Me: Look, it says right there “Cottage Cheese.”
Wyatt: You know I can’t read, old man. You’re gaslighting me.
Boone: I’ll take it if he doesn’t want it.
Me: What do you say, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Give it to him. Get it out of my face.
Boone: Wahoo! Today, I eat like a king!
Wyatt: What else you got?
Me: Try this.
Wyatt: Not bad, not bad. Interesting texture. Unique flavor. Okay. What is it?
Me: The jar says “Vegetable Beef Pilaf.”
Wyatt: Pilaf?
Me: Yes.
Boone: What’s pilaf?
Me: It’s like rice.
Wyatt: Well, why doesn’t it say “Vegetable Beef Rice?”
Me: Because it’s not rice. It’s pilaf.
Wyatt: Give to Boone. I’ll take the cottage cheese.
Boone: Yeah! Did I win the lottery today or something?
Wyatt: AAAAAAAAH! OW!
Me: What?
Wyatt: I got cottage cheese in my eye!
Me: How did you do that?
Boone: He grabbed the spoon when you were looking, then rubbed his eye like an idiot.
Wyatt: Shut up, bro! I’m blind! I'M BLIND!
Me: Calm down... There. All cleaned up.
Wyatt: Thanks for trying to blind me. Don’t be surprised when Child Protective Services comes knocking.
Boone: Hey, Wyatt. You going to finish that?
8 tags
Music For The Masses
My dad and stepmother got the boys some cool toys during their last visit. One of these toys is a little wooden xylophone. Like a real xylophone, it makes little plinky noises when you hit it. We took away the little mallets that came with it, however, because on the list of possible horrors my wife comes up with, she added “Baby Falls Forward And Impales Throat On Xylophone Mallet.” I know....