Rude Awakening
Wyatt: DUDE! HEY, OLD DUDE!Me: Shhhh. It’s 4 a.m. What is it?
Wyatt: This ain’t working.
Me: What?
Wyatt: This. Tonight.
Me: You were sleeping just fine.
Wyatt: Well, now I’m pissed.
Me: Is it your diaper?
Wyatt: I don’t know. That’s your job. I could have a load in my shorts, I could be hungry, I could’ve had a nightmare. All I know is I’m awake, I’m tired and you’re getting all Sherlock Holmes when you should be "CSI: Miami." I HATE THIS! FIGURE IT OUT!
Me: Keep it down. You’re going to wake your brother.
Boone: Too late.
Me: Damn it.
Wyatt: You’ve got your hands full now.
Me: No chance you’re going to drift peacefully back to sleep?
Boone: About as much chance that I might also poop rainbows.
Wyatt: Here’s the deal, Pop. You’ve got an incredibly small window to figure out what’s wrong before I ramp up and blow a return to slumberland.
Boone: Ditto that.
Me: You guys are stacking the deck here. Not only will the process of trying to figure out what’s wrong wake you up more, but I have to do it twice.
Boone: Don’t care, dude.
Wyatt: Not our problem... You know how, when I get really angry, I do that high-pitched shriek?
Me: Yeah.
Wyatt: Here it comes.
Boone: That’s nothing. Even if you finally get him back to sleep, I’m planning on staying up until just before our normal wake-up time. Got anything good on the DVR?
Me: I think I have some episodes of “Chuck.”
Boone: That’ll work.
Mar 9th
Boone thinking about lyrics for the third verse.
Mar 9th
Wyatt doing his best Jimi Hendrix.
Mar 9th
Old Yeller
I believe one of the reasons my wife first fell in love with me was my Steve McQueen-like driving...
Mar 8th
Watch
I sing this to my boys every night as we put them down. Without fail. My wife does the...
Mar 8th
Hunger Strike
Me: Wyatt, you have to eat something.Wyatt: I don’t want this—
Me: Don’t throw it on the floor.
Wyatt: And I don’t want this—
Me: Stop it.
Boone: Don’t worry. The dog will eat it.
Me: I didn’t buy that food to feed the dog.
Boone: Sure tastes like dog food to me.
Wyatt: Good one, bro.
Me: Fine. If you’re all done, I’ll just put the rest away.
Wyatt: Yeah, get that stuff out of my face.
Me: You guys don’t realize how good you have it. I give you organic chicken breast and fresh tomatoes and blueberries. You eat better than I do.
Boone: If it’s so great, you eat it.
Me: Maybe I will. This chicken looks good...
Wyatt: Hey, Boone. He’s eating it. He’s really eating it.
Boone: Dude, you’re eating our food.
Me: You didn’t want it.
Boone: Wait. Hold on—
Wyatt: He’s really wolfing that down. Stop him. I’m hungry!
Boone: Okay, old man. We’ll eat it. Hand it over.
Me: Too late. The chicken’s gone. Man, was it awesome.
Wyatt: What’s left?
Me: There’s some broccoli here.
Wyatt: Give it! I’m wasting away!
Me: Not so bad now, is it?
Boone: You think you’re so clever.
Me: Perhaps I do.
Boone: Well, perhaps the dog just threw up all the steamed carrots we fed him.
Mar 6th